Old Wounds, New Patterns & Why Carrie Can't Change Mr. Big — S2E9 with Kristina Kennedy, Psychotherapist

About This Episode

In Season 2 episode nine of And Just Like That… We Found Therapy, host Isabel MV sits down with integrative psychotherapist and Notting Hill neighbour Kristina Kennedy to unpack Sex and the City's "Old Dogs, New Dicks." It's the episode where Carrie punches Mr. Big in the nose, Miranda throws Steve out of her bedroom, Charlotte discovers her new boyfriend is uncircumcised and promptly loses her mind, and Samantha runs into an ex who has named his drag persona after her.

What We Cover

• Mr. Big checking out other women: is it disrespect, or a mirror for Carrie's own insecurities?

• Anxious attachment meets avoidant attachment — and why this dance of shadows keeps repeating

• Why believing you can change someone else is a dead end — and what that belief really says about you

• Carrie's four AM confrontation: the volcano erupting after years of suppressed needs

• The key to the flat: what it means emotionally for a woman vs. why a man might resist

• Miranda's rigid control vs. Steve's flexibility — who won the fight and why communication is always the answer

• Charlotte and the uncircumcised penis: what her reaction reveals about a lifetime of autopilot thinking

• Be careful what you wish for — Charlotte gets what she asked for and it immediately backfires

• Samantha's ex showing up in drag with her name: a compliment she wasn't equipped to receive

• Why we always make the external world about ourselves — and what the real question should be

About Our Guest

Kristina Kennedy is an integrative psychotherapist based in Notting Hill, working with individuals and teams using EMDR, transpersonal and compassionate leadership approaches. She is currently co-authoring a book about compassion, humour and psychology — and has a podcast series in the works on the lives of authors. Watch this space. Find her in Notting Hill or reach out via the show notes.

Transcript

Hello, everybody, and welcome to another episode of And Just Like That We Found Therapy. I have with me today Kristina Kennedy, who is a therapist in Notting Hill.

So I not only bring friends and neighbors, this is a neighbor that is also a therapist and a friend. So thank you very much, Kristina, welcome.

Thank you, it's a pleasure to be here, very exciting.

Today we're here to discuss season two, episode nine of Sex and the City, Old Dogs, New Dicks, and I can't wait to get into it because there's a lot of meat in this one. But if you want, if I can ask you to introduce yourself before we dive in.

So I'm an integrative psychotherapist based in Notting Hill. I do a lot of compassionate leadership work, nonviolent communication in teams and podcasts, and I'm also in the midst of writing a book.

Yeah, I'm very excited about that book. And I think all your background is going to come in so handy for this episode because there's a lot going on.

The episode opens up with New York Street showing all the high caliber of women that you see on your everyday life. And Carrie saying that she was very happy because she was back with Mr. Big.

They're out to dinner and we keep seeing snippets of him checking out other women while he's with Carrie. So my first question to you, and I've asked this again in this podcast, is how do you feel about Carrie feeling so insecure about Mr.

Big checking out other women in her presence?

Well, I think it's such a good question because it's probably one that a lot of people can relate to. And it's interesting because men and women are different, same, same, but different.

And is it really about him checking out other women, or is it more about what's going on for her and what's happening with these other women that he's checking out?

So my question, the first time that I asked it in this podcast, is how much do we need to take accountability for our insecurities? And how much does our partner need to hold space for them to make us feel secure?

And, you know, I am very independent, so I always put it on my plate to fix it.

And I believe that I will do as much work as needed to make sure that I don't feel insecure by my man checking out other women because desire cannot be completely eradicated.

But at the same time, there's something to be said about, you know, is about respect. If you're in front of me, maybe don't check them out. So obviously.

Do you think that maybe if he didn't do it in front of her, it'd be slightly better or it's even more innocent because he does it in front of her?

Well, it's a very good question. I think we come into the territory of respect, mutual respect. But also, again, I think that it's more about what's going on inside of us.

And you mentioned earlier someone helping us or making us feel more secure. Is it ever really the job of anyone else to make us feel anything?

Or is it our job to look within ourselves to make that change or to make us feel whatever it is that we feel less than for?

What do you think?

I think the work needs to come from within.

Okay.

It's an esthetic world. There's a lot of competition out there or comparisonitis, as we call it. And I feel that, as I said earlier, that there needs to be a mutual respect in any relationship.

So that goes without saying. But the question is, what does this other person represent as in other women? What do they represent?

Or what is it that's happening within us that we feel so triggered by? What's going on?

Yeah. I mean, she is very insecure, and I guess they all mean a threat, because she never quite feels like she's good enough for him and all his surroundings and his world. But in the same scene, and I'm curious to know what you think about this, Mr.

Big is being very cocky. I think they are at a restaurant and he's smoking a cigar. The waitress comes over and says, you can't smoke that in here.

And he says, are you positively sure? And then goes around being very cocky with the rest of the people in the restaurant. He's like, I'm sorry, I'm putting, like I'm dying tomorrow.

Would you terribly mind if I'm going to smoke this cigar? Like nobody else minds. And like Carrie's just like, oh, he was annoying me.

And maybe this was that part of the relationship where all the little things that I used to enjoy about him drove me nuts. What do you think is the expiration period? Like at which point do you think that that happens in a relationship?

And how much of a nail in the coffin is it?

I think that's also a really valid point. It's like how early on in the relationship is it? And I think the word she used was you're so arrogant, right?

Yes. And and it is arrogant. And I agree.

And he also says, I thought that's what you liked about me.

Yeah, which is true.

Exactly. So we're looking back at what's being triggered in her and how is he showing up? But also we talked about making another person this, that, the other.

The question is, what makes him good enough for her? What's that about?

I know. I don't think she ever asks herself that question because she's decided to put him in a pedestal. And I don't think she's ever asked herself like that.

He make me want to be a better person. If anything, she always looks kind of unsure on her feet around him. The other storyline of one of the other girls in this episode is that Miranda is finally dating Steve.

They seem to be very happy, but obviously their lives are so different. They cannot have like a balanced life together. Miranda is a lawyer.

She wakes up early. She should probably go to bed early. Steve works at a bar.

He gets home at two in the morning. And they're having this kind of like push and pull of how do we make it work? What do you think about what's the success rate or health level of couples that maybe there's so many differences?

Like I always talk about one of the deal breakers for me in London maybe is like certain post codes. Cause it's like having a long distance relationship. Getting from Notting Hill to like, I don't know.

Is LinkedIn or like even more Northeast London is so hard. Like how do you think that those relationships have a better shot at lasting or surviving?

So you're saying you're a creature of comforts.

We've established we both are.

Yeah, exactly. I just said that earlier. I think in their case, as in many, is that they're two different personality types, I think.

We've got Miranda, who is obsessed with control. She needs structure. She wants her life to be within a frame.

We've got Steve, who is a flexible guy. He has a completely different way of being than she does. So I don't necessarily think that couples like that don't last or can't last, but can they align with each other?

Because if you can be open, and you can see each other's differences and talk about them, then we've got a possible good outcome.

It's when people don't talk or they refuse to see each other, and stay rigid in their own ways, in which we've seen here with Miranda, that she needs everything to be within her control, within her structure.

I think she does value Steve so much, but I think those would be deal-breakers for me, because obviously you can tell that Steve doesn't have that much to lose. He does behave like, oh, you know, this is all hunky-dory for him.

The stakes are not high. He's going to roll up to the bar at 3 p.m. earliest and work another shift, but Miranda needs to show up, be on top of everything, be smart, read a bunch of boring things.

If I'm tired and I need to read 500 pages a day, I can't. But that's my opinion.

Another one of the girls, Charlotte, is dating this court critic who, you know, it's cute, I guess is up to Charlotte's standards because he reviews restaurants in New York, so he's plugged in. I guess he's, I don't know, elegant enough for her.

And as they are approaching, you know, sleeping together, Charlotte discovers that he is uncircumcised. And the way she goes around all of it is appalling to me. She's just so prejudiced.

Like I, I am from Spain, so nobody's circumcised there, like maybe like 15% of the population in my country, if that much.

What do you think about the way she reacts about it, the way she treats him, the way she talks about it with her friends, as a fly on the wall who's a therapist? How do you feel about that?

Well, I mean, I find it so funny. I love all these characters and I have this sort of stereotypes that they carry. And what's funny about her is that everything has to be, it's one way or the other.

It's can she be a good girl, but also a bad girl? It's all about being good, following her own societal norms. So she's just following the pattern, system and the nest that she comes from.

Yes.

So without her even realizing, she's ultra judgmental in the sky and not open at all to the window outside of her own house.

Yeah.

I think in this case, it comes to hit her the other way, doesn't it?

Later, when he says, great, I'm circumcised and she's delighted and he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm not ready to settle down. I'm ready to play. I need to play.

And so it comes back the other way to her. And that's a classic. It's when we try to change another person because that's how we want them to be.

That's how we feel safe. It's all that we know. So we change and change and change.

And sometimes it's one of those, be careful what you wish for.

A thousand percent, but like in that aspect, even though like I don't understand men when they're like that about their penises, I was like, Charlotte, it's not like you treated him that well. So you had a coming girl.

After that, I think the four girls are at a bingo with drag queens. And the whole thing is like hilarious.

Miranda's complaining about Steve keeping her hostage in bed all day because like he always wants to have sex in the morning and then cuddle all day. And everybody's like, oh, you know, but like, that's great.

Everybody wants a man who cuddles and blah, blah, blah. And Samantha has this hilarious encounter with an ex of hers that is in drag. And then Carrie is supposed to meet Mr.

Big at his. And she gets there and Mr. Big is running late.

So I think he arrived. He makes her wait for like half an hour and Carrie's pissed. She's like, I've been waiting for you in the lobby for half an hour.

Your doorman thinks I'm a prostitute. And he's just like, oh, you know, did you make any money? And she was like, dude, I'm not joking around.

I'm pissed.

And he was like, he's really snappy because she's like, I've been waiting for you for half an hour.

And he's like, well, you could have waited at the coffee shop across the road. She was like, you know what? I'm going to go.

He's like, no, come on, come upstairs. Like he was like, well, you could give me a key or you could sometimes come spend the night at mine because you know, my locks are easy to pick. So and he was like, no, but I like my bed.

Long story short, they go back at his.

And in the middle of the night, Vic rolls over, kicks her out of bed, and Carrie has had enough, punches him in the nose, and they have this fight that Carrie is just like, you didn't even know that I was in bed.

If I were woken up at 2 in the morning by a punch in my face, I think I'd also be like, fuck you and fuck this. Goes to the sofa, he's like, don't talk right now, I'm pissed. We'll talk later.

And at 4 in the morning, Carrie wakes him up with like this ice bag for his nose.

The dripping water.

Yeah. She's just like, I decided that you couldn't sleep either. We need to talk about this.

And I'm really proud of her in this moment because she was like, listen, I know it's impossible to change a man, especially a man like you, but like I feel like we're back together and nothing has really changed. And I need things to change.

And it's not your fault because I never say anything. But now I punch you and I have to say it. I feel like you don't make room for me in your life.

You don't give me your key. You don't want to come over to my flat. You don't even notice that I'm in your bed.

And he doesn't say anything. He just makes a joke and is like, violence is never the answer. And then she just says like, okay, I'm leaving.

What do you think about that interaction? Because I feel like as a good student that goes to therapy, they would tell me if somebody is not ready to talk, you got to let them.

And it would have been unfair for me to impose myself on someone at four in the morning. What do you think about that whole thing? Give us notes on that fight.

Well, I think, first of all, she has an anxious attachment style and he has an avoidance.

So she probably, or I don't know, maybe that's assuming, has some kind of father wound going on. So why is she attracted to the opposite of what's probably healthy for her in the first place?

Secondly, when she asks for a key to his home, what does she believe that's going to change in him? Does that automatically mean that he's going to be more emotionally available? Is that what she's assuming?

Because if someone gave me a key to someone's flat unwillingly to a door that's always going to be locked, I wouldn't want it.

Right.

So it interests me that she plays the role of a victim, I feel sometimes, but he is also arrogant. And I'm going to go back to the question of what makes him good enough for her, because she continues to try to change him.

The more I love him, the more he'll see and so forth. And no, it's never okay to get violent in any relationship.

But however, you know, if you suppress things again and again and again, and your needs are not being met, or you're not able to meet your own needs, then what happens is that the volcano erupts.

Yes.

At the end of the day, we're human beings, we're intelligent animals, but we are animals.

Yes.

But that is so interesting, because I was watching this episode, and I don't know what it is about an anxious woman that really likes an avoidant man, but I feel like that is kind of like a school book of many love stories, especially on movies and

shows. But I was looking at this episode, and Mr. Big really doesn't say much. He doesn't say to her, like, I love you or I really like you, and I'm going to work on providing the things that make you feel safe.

But he does things. So we always hear actions be louder than words. But in this case, I feel like he's copping out.

What do you think about Mr. Big changing a few things, but really not having a real conversation? Because I'm sorry, I'm going to jump into almost the last scene.

When he shows up, after that fight, he doesn't call her, which I would be so sad if I were Carrie. And I'd be like, okay, it's over. He shows up at the flat and he says, okay, I don't give you a key because it's hard to give keys out.

And maybe you need that to know that I'm crazy about you. But I'm crazy about you and I love you in my bed. But like that, what else do you want?

Like the keys is hard for me to get because I've given away like 20 keys. And every time they don't give it back and I have to change the logs and blah, blah, blah. And the one thing that I don't like about you is the oranges.

The oranges need to go blah, blah, blah. He ends up spending the night at Carrie's and she's so happy. But like, would you consider that if Carrie was your client?

I was like, it's all good. But don't worry because he came over, he spent the night and now I'm going to have my dream relationship.

I'd be very curious about, again, why that's okay with her and why she isn't questioning that everything is always on his terms.

But the problem is that when we subconsciously, we're attracted to some of the things that aren't necessarily healthy for us. They're attracted to each other's unhealthy patterns without really knowing it.

So it's a bit of a dance of shadows or dance of egos, whatever that's going on for them. And so, no, I don't think that it's okay, but it's up to her to now to realize that within herself. Where is herself worth?

And that's part of the problem. What is she really experiencing about herself? That she makes it okay?

I think because obviously I need to watch all the episodes so many times.

Sarah Jessica Parker does a fantastic job at looking absolutely smitten about him. What if she told you like, he makes me feel so good. I love the way that I feel when I'm with him.

I love everything about him. I love the feeling of being next to him. Do you think that that's good enough for a foundation of a relationship?

I think that a foundation of relationship comes from you feeling all the things that you need to feel within yourself, not relying on someone else to meet those needs in you.

That's the problem, is that she's looking for approval, she's looking for love, she's seeking, she's like this velcro to him, but not realizing that she has that power within herself. But that's why I think that it's an old wound.

I mean, I asked my son a similar question the other day. I said, what would you do? How do you see the difference between a man giving a woman his keys to the flat and the woman giving her keys to her flat?

And my son said, well, if a woman gives you the keys, he's only 21 by the way, so give him some credit. So he said, well, if a woman gives you the keys to her house, she's telling you, you're welcome into my space. We're now an item.

You're here and that you belong. This is like the beginning of us.

And he said, but if a man gives a woman the keys, I'd be shit scared because when I came home, I wouldn't know if any furniture would be in there, if she would have rearranged my flat or changed the whole interior design.

And I laughed because there was no kind of emotion in it. I was like, what about the emotional? What about sort of giving someone the keys to your home?

He's like, oh, but that's, is that such a biggie? Is that such a big deal?

I mean, I have the pleasure of knowing Archie and he may be 21, but he's a very young, not very young, a very mature young man. And I think that's hilarious.

Cause if anything, I think he's like so in tune with his emotions, I'm baffled that he didn't even think about the meaning of such a gesture.

No, he was just laughing. Like she probably rearranged my flap by the time I've come back.

Good for him. I mean, healthy that he doesn't see it as like a big no-no of like somebody in my space.

But then I think the last scene of the episode is Miranda being at home after that fight with Steve about, you know, her window for sex and her not being able to run her life the way she likes to.

And Steve has not come home and she's up and waiting for him. And the phone rings and Steve says, like, look out the window. There's a blue moon.

And she's like, okay, come on over after you're done. And then they have a beautiful night and a beautiful morning. And she doesn't even realize that she's late for work.

I'm curious to know, because, like, the scene before that in their relationship was Miranda having a meltdown about the fact that she drinks five coffees to wait up for Steve. Steve gets home to hers after his shift at the bar.

And while she's, like, all, you know, done up to have sex with him at night and not in the morning like he wants to, she gets to her bedroom with two glasses of wine and Steve is asleep and she throws a fit. She's like, I can't with this.

Go to your apartment. I can't continue to have sex in the morning. I'm late.

And then cuddle on things. And, like, what I'm reading between the lines is, like, you don't make room for my life and, like, the obligations that my life has for me.

I'm dying to know, because I feel like this is every couple that goes to couples therapy dream. Who won that fight? Who do you think was right?

Well, it's the famous question of right and wrong, isn't it?

I think that, again, it's about control for her. She cannot be outside of her need for control. And he's probably the best thing ever for her in teaching her flexibility.

And so, in a way, I feel that his way of being might just soften the edges on her a little bit, might teach her that, you know, it's okay, you can flex a bit and be outside of your window of control.

Yeah, but I felt for once like I was mad in this scene, because I care so much about my career, and if somebody doesn't let me sleep, and that means that my performance is compromised due to that, I would be like a ravenous dog, like no.

I feel like Steve made no effort to try and say like, oh my God, what time do you need to be at work? Do you have an important meeting? Let me try and get out earlier, or let me sleep at mine today.

None of that.

But they're not communicating. This is always the problem. Where is the dialogue?

Where is the conversation about what works for me, what works for you? Even talking about sex. Are you a morning person or an evening person?

If there's no communication and there's no room for understanding each other, it's just going to continue like this.

I guess there was no communication until Miranda burst. Then, yeah, it didn't come out pretty. But I felt like Steve was a little bitch with his reaction, he'd be like, call me when you have a window to talk back to me.

I was like, Steve, get out. But I think that's more or less it. I'd love for you to give advice to the girls and I gave you specific homework to be brutal about diagnosing them with whatever and giving them snappy advice.

What would you tell Carrie, who is walking on actions about asking Mr. Big to change some things, is the relationship isn't good enough for her, but saying it's not possible to change a man, let alone a man like him?

How would you have challenged her?

Well, I'd be curious for her to investigate within herself, to be her own detective as to why she believes that she can change another person. It's hard enough for us to change ourselves.

Yeah.

So the fact that we believe that we can change someone else is a bit of a dead end. It's like every Christmas we all decide for ourselves we're going to go on some magnificent diet in January and about 90% of us fail.

So if we can't even do it with ourselves, how can we expect other people to do it?

So she has work to do on herself and I'd ask her to be curious about what's going on within her that she feels that this other person is going to meet her needs or that she can change another person to meet her needs because it's the reflection

inside. It's the mirror that she needs to look at is what is happening here. And what's the wound and what's the pattern that I'm in? And what makes this person good enough for me?

What is it that I'm searching for here? Because I have a feeling that it may have been someone that was unavailable to her when she was younger or something else she may have experienced in relationships.

So she's continuing on this unhealthy pattern of trying to get someone else to change for her. I'm not sure that works.

Static issues?

Yeah, I do.

Okay. What would you advise Miranda to do about navigating this new relationship with so many differences?

Well, I'm going to try to say it nicely, but Miranda does need to chill. Yeah. I understand she has a busy job, she needs structure in her life, and she needs to be in control, and that's all good.

It's good that we can plan and we have a routine and a structure. But it's very hard to make space for another person if we already have a very rigid system that doesn't invite someone else into our life. So clear communication, being open to...

There isn't really a my way or your way. It's kind of like, how are we going to do this? Let's talk about this.

What works for you? What works for me? Morning person, night person.

It's more about her being able, as I said earlier, to flex a little. And also for him to grow up. He's a bit childish.

He is so childish.

He needs to grow up and respect her and find a way forward.

I don't like Steve, but I agree that he is the best medicine to Miranda's issues.

Okay. What would you tell Charlotte, who is so prejudiced about a man being uncircumcised and so mean about it?

I don't even think Charlotte realizes what she's doing. I think she's so stuck on autopilot, on autoplay from her.

Because she's from Connecticut.

So I think she's just so stuck in her system, the way life has been, her autopilot, what she's been told. She's just living like, sometimes I call it Lego land, where we're all the same.

We're just kind of walking around, being these robotic versions of whatever we've been taught in life. And so I would try to encourage her to understand perspective.

And to, yeah, I would challenge how another person might think or feel about the same thing and what it would be like for her. Does she have the courage to look outside the box? Is she open to that?

Is she available to see the world from other lenses?

Especially because I think circumcision is considered genital mutilation.

Like, to impose something like that on a partner, it just feels also like maybe there wasn't enough in that relationship for her to consider beyond that extra layer in his penis.

I think it's so much judgment. It's judgment from what she's been told. It's good, it's bad, it's dirty.

Also, she wants to be this good girl. And when someone isn't following what is the norm in her little world, then for her, it's wrong and it's dirty. And what does it say about her?

That her whole world turns upside down.

Yeah. Okay. And then last but not least, what would you do if you were Samantha and you were at this drag bingo and as you're asking for a new board, somebody hands it to you and is like, Oh my God, Samantha, it's me, Jake, or whatever his name was.

It's like, Oh, it's like, when did you start, you know, drag is like five and a half years ago, right after you. And then we find out that his drag name is Samantha. Like, what do you think that's about?

And what would you do if you were in Samantha's shoes?

I mean, I absolutely love this moment. It's hilarious. And also she acts so well, you know, her face.

I'm surprised that she reacted the way she did, because she's so cool. And I think she has a, you know, a secure attachment style, but maybe she's learned to have a secure attachment style, particularly with her sexuality.

So it surprises me that she didn't kind of go, good on you, girl, or... that she had that reaction. It shows that her ego is still so big that she wasn't able to connect to the fact that it was about him making that change.

It's his life. It wasn't really about her, more than she was actually role modeling to him. Yeah.

You know, what is a beautiful woman? What is the archetype woman that he wanted to be? And it was her.

So it's actually a massive compliment. And it surprised me that she that she felt so humiliated by it because she did say, I'm so much prettier than her.

Oh, yes.

I found that so funny. So, yeah, it surprised me because the Samantha that I've seen in many other episodes, I could have seen a sort of wink and get say, good on you or, you know.

But I guess she felt that like it was a direct reflection on who she was to him as a partner. Of course.

Super, super ego. And again, it wasn't about her, it was about him, but she made it all about her. Of course, naturally, imagine it happening to yourself.

I think I'd be slightly surprised. Yeah. And I don't know how I would react if I, you know, we all want to be this authentic show up as the best version of ourselves.

But I don't think that, I think it would be hard not to have a little reaction about...

I mean, my jaw would drop.

I know a lot of people who have gone out with people who have later come out of the closet, for instance. They've been really offended by that, really upset, and others have been absolutely fine. But again, we're so funny because we're always...

We always make the world, the external world, about us. It's always this reflection, even here about changing people and getting people to show up differently. It's always about, well, why?

What is that to you? What's going on with you in the fact that you need someone else to change for you?

Well said, because I have seen that, and people do make it about them. But that's it. Kristina, I would love for you to tell our listeners what you're working on right now.

Maybe expand about the book, how people can find you other than roaming in Notting Hill.

So yes, I work as a psychotherapist in the Notting Hill. I do a whole vary of techniques. I work with EMDR, integrative, transpersonal, and as I said, compassionate leadership in teams.

I'm also working on a book at the moment, which I'm doing with a co-author called Jessica Fellows, who is already an author, and we're having a lot of fun with it.

So we're saying watch this space, but it's going to be a book about compassion, humor, psychology, and finding our way here in life.

Am I wrong? Because I thought it was also going to be tied in with your life story.

Yeah, that's the next one.

Okay.

We got a couple on the way. I'm also doing a podcast series, which is also going to be very interesting. It's not official yet.

What is it about?

It will be about the life of authors and-

Amazing.

Yeah.

Various analysis going on there as well.

Thank you so much, Kristina. I will keep everybody posted with the book and the podcast when it comes out. And thank you so much for joining us today.

And thank you for doing this amazing series.

It's so fun.

Bye!