Monogamy, Affairs & Why We're Still Blaming Women — Episode 3 with Dr. Ramon Bennett, Therapist
About This Episode
In episode three of And Just Like That… We Found Therapy, host Isabel MV sits down with therapist and sexologist Dr. Ramon Bennett to unpack Sex and the City's "The Bay of Married Pigs." They tackle the singles vs. married divide, sexual harassment, monogamy, emotional affairs, and why society keeps placing the burden of men's behaviour squarely on women's shoulders.
What We Cover
Why women are still held responsible for men's sexual behaviour — and how to unlearn it
The singles vs. married dynamic: is there really an "us vs. them"?
Miranda's lesbian card moment — workplace discrimination, gay rights, and where she went wrong
Monogamy, affairs and polyamory: what actually constitutes cheating in 2024?
Anxious attachment and jealousy: when does protecting your partner become enabling their insecurities?
Why discussing your core values and deal breakers on early dates isn't scary — it's essential
What each of the four SATC girls needs to hear about responsibility, desire and self-worth
About Our Guest
Dr. Ramon Bennett is a therapist and sexologist with over 10 years of experience working with individuals and couples on relationships, sexuality, communication and personal growth. His work helps clients navigate everything from attachment styles to rebuilding trust — and having the difficult conversations most people avoid.
Transcript
It's Therapy Tuesday, guys, and welcome to episode three of And Just Like That, We Found Therapy. Today, we're reviewing The Bay of Married Pigs, season one, episode three of Sex and the City.
I am bringing to you Ramon, with whom I worked in the past. He was great. I was super hangover when we recorded this.
So it's a bit silly, which I love, but he had some very serious and good takes on monogamy, cheating, and also gay rights. So as per usual, I will ask you guys to let me know if there's anything that I'm not doing that I should be doing.
You can do this by leaving me a comment or also follow me on Instagram. The Instagram handle for the podcast is We Found Therapy Pod. At the end of the day, guys, I'm just a girl standing in front of a mic asking it to rate a five stars.
So please go ahead and do that. I hope you guys love this episode. I did it with all my heart.
Enjoy it and I'll see you on the other side. Hello, and welcome Ramon. I am so happy to be joined today by you.
How are you doing today?
I'm very well, thank you. And I'm very happy to be here as well.
So today we're gonna discuss The Bay of Married Pigs, which is season one, episode three of Sex and the City. And for this episode, I am very happy to have Dr. Ramon Bennett, who is a therapist with over 10 years experience.
I know his work through how he helps relationships and how to navigate when you grow with a partner or a business partner, how to navigate those discussions.
He is fantastic at it, but I know you also work in other areas, mostly also about sexuality, relationships, love, family. So I'm very happy to have you on for this episode.
Likewise, I'm happy to be here.
Perfect. Ramon, if you don't have anything else to add, we can dive in.
Please, let's do that.
Okay. So in this episode, Carrie gets invited to the Hamptons, and I think it's a very funny way that they introduce these two teams in the episode.
You get the married people and then the single people, and how we're at odds, we don't trust each other. It's the other team.
And I love that Carrie also thinks that she has to sing for her supper, because I do think that sometimes with my friends now, I'm in my mid-thirties.
Most of my friends are getting married, having children, and I do feel like they want to live vicariously through whatever stupid thing that I've done during the weekend.
But apart from that, then poor Carrie wakes up in the morning, goes into the hallway, runs into the husband of her friend, who is just wearing a top, and he's basically exposing himself to Carrie and acts like nothing, doesn't even flinch.
She's just like, Hey Carrie, how are you doing? I have to give it up to Carrie because she's like, you know what? Tells her friend straight up, as soon as she's back from buying one of her muffins, she tries to make it a joke and play it down.
And then this woman is having none of it. And she's just like, nope, you gotta leave. Gets kind of upset with her husband, but mostly with Carrie.
So first of all, from your experience, what do you think about this? Because I thought it was a bit of bullshit, the fact that she took it out on Carrie.
Yes. And I think this is very common, unfortunately, that we hold women responsible for every sexual act. And it still happens nowadays, which is, as I said, shocking and unacceptable.
I think Carrie could have taken it more seriously because that is sexual harassment, even though it was inside his home. She's been invited and perhaps not take it so casual.
If a man exposes himself to you, that is a type of sexual harassment.
Indeed, indeed. And I wouldn't have played down, as she did with her friend, I would have taken with him as well, by continuing the conversation.
I would have taken it quite serious conversation to say that's not acceptable, unless, of course, she had an intention to act on it, which wasn't the case.
I think women historically, because the way to protect victims from sexual abuses, we end up making them responsible for their own protection. So we say to young girls, don't be naked in front of men.
Women end up growing up thinking that they are responsible for men's desires, for men's sexual intentions, which is wrong.
Yes, I have never been told otherwise.
Yeah, exactly.
It's always a good reminder, because obviously I think now we're in a different era where at least the theory we know that we are not responsible, but I have never heard it like that said to me.
So thank you very much for saying it out loud, because I'm sure there's many people on the other side of this that need to hear it. So then we jump on to the girls having brunch and they're discussing the incident.
And again, I love that Carrie at least is not scarred by these experiences. She's just sharing it with her friends. Everybody's taking the piss out of it a little bit.
Carrie says that her friend, I think her name was Patience, and she will need it. But I think she's Patience told me that I would not understand her point of view because I am single. That's just a showstopper and discussion ender.
Like, of course, if you're single, there's nothing that you can do in that moment to rebuke. Is that how you say it? Rebut?
Discuss it?
Rebut, yeah.
I just think that's such a shitty way to end the conversation. What do you think about that? What Patience says to Carrie that is a bit, you're not adequate for this conversation, and that is a bit condescending from her.
What do you think about that?
Absolutely. It's condescending, it's patronizing. The ability to have a conversation with someone, it says more about her than it does about Carrie.
If you think that you will not be able to put your point across simply because someone has a different style of life, we don't really understand about respect. And I think she's not taking the responsibility to be able to face it with her friend.
And she's most likely very scared to realize that her relationship needs work. The way that she found was through escaping difficult conversations and clearly she will reflect that both with her partner, with her friends and in any area of her life.
I believe that most likely she does it at work as well.
I have to say we also get this snippet because at the beginning of the show, we do get a lot of people looking into the camera like in a confessional. All the people that they choose to depict as married people are also not the best example.
They all sound kind of pathetic. And there's this one woman who's like, I mean, I could have chosen not to marry and continue to be immature or done what I did, which is get married and move on.
I don't see my friends anymore because I have serious things to do. I think the depiction is on purpose to make this woman look like she's not a good example of a married woman.
But do you see the same thing as I saw that was somebody who thought getting married means something and it'll come with a lot more changes than the one that you choose from yourself, which I think is very scary.
I think for some people it's like, okay, I'm married, I made it to the end of this game, game over, happily ever after, boom.
I will look down on my friends who are saying, I was like, of course, you still think it's funny to go out and get drunk because you're not married. We know what the real world is about.
Would you also get this feeling or am I reading too much into it?
No, I do get this feeling. I get this in many other areas of life. Straight people discussing about gay marriage.
There is a way that we've been told since little kids how we should live.
The idea that we go to school and then we go to university, we get a job, we get married, we have children and unless you follow those steps, you're considered to be irresponsible.
Whereas, I perceive responsibility from a perspective where we make decisions all the time, whether conscious or unconsciously.
Those who choose to consciously enjoy their solitude, to take life, face life responsibly, understanding that they can contribute to... As human beings, we are social beings. We have a primitive feeling that we need to contribute to the society.
Now, some people will do it through work, some people will do it through marriage and having children, others won't. So, we just need to appreciate that a community has different ways of living and of experiencing responsibility.
And that clearly is a very immature approach to responsibility, because that has been given to her. She wasn't even strong enough to establish what would be responsibility for herself. She just followed what the majority of people would do.
Okay.
So, this is a perfect segue, I think, because you've mentioned straight people commenting on gay marriage, which I think is one of the next story lines, which is Miranda getting hit up by another woman.
And I have two questions for you about this story line. One, do you think that Miranda's reaction was almost like giving off, feeling insulted? Why does being single mean that I'm gay?
I think, obviously, this was back in the 90s. We know in the spin-off, Miranda does swing that way. Do you think that there was a bit of, you know, like, how dare you think that I am gay or not?
And the other question is, how do you feel about her kind of leading for Sid on, I think that was her name, and also using the lesbian card to fast-track her career?
Right. So I don't think it was offensive, the way she responded, because it comes down to identity. Identity is something very serious.
Nobody likes to be told that there are something that they don't identify as. So if someone says, oh, you sound so this or that, and I know I'm not that, it would come down as a shock.
Because it's someone trying to define you and tell you that your behavior should be put into a box. So I don't think it's disrespectful to the gay, but it's disrespectful to herself.
She and every human being should be entitled to define him or herself. And having someone telling you who you are or what you do, it's not a fun thing anyway. However, using the lesbian card.
Okay, however.
Using the lesbian card, I think it's gay people have been fighting over the years and years and years.
Many people have died to get rights to even go to work. So to see now someone using that card, it's very disrespectful to those who died fighting for this space.
And I know it was taken lightly, but if we really scrutinize in and analyze in it, for example, if we take outside of work, UK, immigration in the UK, we accommodate, receive under the human rights, gay people from countries where it's criminalized
to come to the UK. However, because many straight people have used that card, it's now a much harder process where people have to prove their sexuality because of that.
Sometimes we don't realize, and the questions like, very intimate questions, in order for you to have a human right that really violates your human rights, you know, which side, how do you like to be penetrated, do you penetrate or not, which we
wouldn't even consider asking another human being. But that's because some people have used it to their advantage. Yes.
Yeah, my mind is blown. That is, that seems very intrusive. And I don't know if I'd be able to take a position as such, but then again, if I were prosecuted in my own country, maybe that's the lesser evil.
Okay, play devil's advocate for Miranda though. So I'm speaking of the lesser evil.
Do you think that there's something to be said about a firm that probably was discriminating her because she's a woman and her being very straightforward with Sid, kind of let her off the hook?
Or do you still think that that's not that's kind of like a strike for her because she might be taking a position or, you know, getting a quota, not being gay?
I mean, the world is a competitive world. So and she didn't come up with the idea. It all happened again out of discrimination.
The fact that she has short hair, the facts, and especially in the 90s, having short hair, reaching a certain age, which again, you didn't follow the steps, which is you should have a partner now, probably thinking about having a baby.
And that was used to, you know, was pushed on to her. And if the person is doing this to her, the way that she found to pay back was to say, right, let me take this opportunity then.
And I think it's quite smart sometimes when people use the type of discrimination and turning to an advantage. If she was able to do that, good on her.
But as I said, since it went on the show and we're looking at a greater picture, I can see how this could end up being disrespectful. But right at the end, she took up the responsibility to then turn to her boss and actually explain, you did this.
I didn't say I was a lesbian. And I came here, took the opportunity, but I'm not. So and we need to give it to her as well.
We're running her off the hook.
What about what you said on the elevator?
Well, Freud says that we are all bisexuals in nature. So trying something is not a bad thing.
There was appropriate communication around it, you think?
I think, you know, the idea that we're here as a couple, the idea that I know you're a lesbian and we were set up to do this. And you've agreed so far. We need to give it a very tricky place to be.
But we need to give space for sensuality, for chasing after each other. It happens in nature. Not everything is a sexual harassment.
I think the harassment starts after the no, after the clear communication of, I don't want this. But, you know, it's part of life, mating.
So we need to allow space for seduction, for some adventure, because we all like that in the end, you know, to feel desired as well.
All right. So Miranda passes this one.
But this is a good change of subject, because Carrie kind of has a similar story, where I think she's having lunch with this married couple that are friends with her, who set her up on a blind date without letting her know, which I think in a way is
wonderful, because I personally do not like blind dates. But if somebody is kind enough to make me feel like I'm not on one, and they're like, oh, that guy was nice. And they're like, well, he's single and interested.
Then, you know, I have no anxiety about it. I feel like it's a lot less stressful. He, on the other hand, doesn't like it.
It also turns out this guy is the Holy Grail of Manhattan, a guy who is single, wants to get married, has a very nice apartment, probably in the Upper East Side, and is very forward, very clear with his intentions, very clear in pursuing Carrie.
And Carrie talks about him like the black Donna Karen dress. It's not your style, but you try it on anyway. I think they go out for like a week, which, you know, I know this is a show, but like the guy was a bit, in my opinion, too fast forward.
Like it looked like maybe a three month, five month, six month thing. But it's obvious that Carrie, like Carrie's even kissing him with like her eyes open, being like, huh, OK. Like it seems very scientific to her, very forceful.
Like, is this what I want? Because this is what I'm supposed to want. So I'm going to try it, but it's obvious that her heart is not in it.
So what do you think about one, her being set up without her consent, to her trying on something with someone that I think from everybody, but the guy is obvious is not working.
Right.
With the set up, I think like yourself that it's great if you have friends who know you, who know what you like, and they're not forcing you to stay, they're not forcing anything, they're just creating an opportunity for connection to take place.
Then I think it's fine. We just need to be careful in cases where people set up blind dates and one of the parties is not actually interested in a relationship, and that can become something controlling.
I want you, because you're the only single friend, to be in a relationship. You may enjoy a single life and you don't want to be in a relationship. But since Carrie has been kind of very open, that she is exploring going into a relationship, why not?
I think that was appropriate in that case. Now, turning into trying someone as if it's a dress. Now, we all do that, whether consciously or unconsciously.
We're trying. This is why we go on dates. We want to get to know the person.
We want to see whether we match and whether we like the same things, how we deal with the differences. It all comes down to compatibility, finding out whether or not we are compatible.
I wish more people were open about strong values and what they actually want from a relationship from day one, because a lot of my work...
I know, because come on, this guy would have given me anxiety. Like, what are you talking about? And we know Kevin doesn't know if she's going to make rent.
What are you talking about, baby?
We are scared of saying some things, but eventually you're going to need to have this conversation. And the problem is, we first engage emotionally with someone to then discuss core values. How many couples have problems that I see?
Because one wants to have children, which is something very crucial for them, and the other one doesn't. Or one wants to go back to their home country, or the other one wants to stop working, or something of the kind. Important things.
This is what dates are for. We romanticize too much relationships, and that's what's leading to a lot of divorces, because people are so scared and afraid to be open and honest about their feelings. And you're right.
A lot of people feel anxious to be able to discuss. You're not making a decision there that you're having babies with this person. You're not making a decision that you're going to marry this person.
What you're saying is, I am open for marriage. I believe in the institution of marriage. I believe that I want to have children.
Once I find someone that I feel comfortable with, doesn't mean that's you. We're going to see each other to see whether that's what's going to work. But for me, date one, I've always asked to do with kids.
Can we push you to maybe say, because I understand that, because if somebody doesn't want kids, like that, like that's not the same.
But can we maybe get to a when do we think it's appropriate? Because I also don't want to sit down on a, let's assume a first date with somebody who you've met on a dating app. And you sit down and you're like, okay, how do you feel about children?
Would you live in the suburbs or in the city? Is a religious ceremony okay for you and how big do you want it? Like, when do you think to me trying somebody on is more like, how does our song go?
How well do I feel that there's a rhythm in our conversation and I'm actually like lost in whatever we're talking about and I feel a chemistry. And then those things come naturally.
Or do you actually feel that from your perspective of somebody who professionally looks into relationships and how we relate to one another and how we can build better relationships, when do you think that it's the ideal moment to disclose that?
I think it's right at the beginning because this is when you're actually able to perceive things without... Because you're going to start to release in chemicals that would be called your in love.
So your ability to make decisions then is compromised because, yeah, you're into that chemistry, your bodies are playing the dance, and then you just think, do you know what? I can change this person.
But if it's a strong value system, some people really want to have children. And I have had relationships where my ex-partner didn't think that sex was, for example, something important. Companionship was more important.
Now, sex is important for me, and I was not ashamed in my first dates once I became single because obviously that relationship didn't go anywhere, to ask, what's your view on sex? Do you think it's important in relationships?
And many dates that I've had ended there because the person would say, I don't think it's an important thing if the couple has this or that. And I think sex says a lot. It's a bonding thing.
So things that are part of your value system, you need to, that's what dates are for. This is the trial phase. This is the moment.
And if you're just looking for the dopamine rush of, I want to feel love, you're going to misjudge things and then later on you're going to break your heart. You're setting up yourself a failure because you haven't investigated.
You're just looking, as I said, for that initial dopamine of, oh, this is so good. And then you start finding the faults.
I mean, I have to say, I don't think it's a coincidence that you're married happily and I'm single. But not for another day. OK, I want to switch gears because there was one thing brought up in this episode that it got me thinking.
And I've discussed it with my friends over the weekend because I found it very interesting, which is the way that they're portraying Charlotte, Carrie and Samantha walking around this party that... I don't know if his name is Sean.
Anyway, let's say his name is Sean, like her boyfriend of the week. This guy throws this party, basically all his coupled friends and invites Carrie and tells her bring your friends and she brings.
I think Charlotte and Samantha thinking Charlotte may find her Prince Charming and Samantha can probably get laid. And everybody's coupled up. And Samantha gets honestly destroyed.
She's just in a minefield where she gets drunk and she's like, I slept with that guy and with that guy and with that guy and with that guy. They're obviously all married or coupled up. And there's two things there.
One, I'm very curious to know as an expert, unfortunately, as Samantha says, rings do come off and maybe you've caught yourself in a situation where not knowingly, you may have crossed some lines with a person that was spoken for.
What do you think goes on in those two minds?
And I'm being a bit simplistic, but through my life, I've seen many women that maybe had some self-worth issues go after unavailable men and sometimes unavailability is through them being in relationships. And that can be a side of it.
But why does a married man or a man that is committed to somebody else entertaining those things without doing what he must do?
Because I understand if maybe something happens out of nowhere one day because you're drunk, but other times it's premeditated. And what do you think happens in the woman who is the other woman?
I think we're talking about two things there. One is the set of values again, and the other one is responsibility. We can see nowadays various different types of relationships.
And we are evolving. Relationships are evolving. If you think about it, monogamy used to be one partner for life.
Now it's one partner at a time. And the rules that we have is really to do with the agreement between two individuals.
Those experiencing the relationship, some people will see that long-distance relationship, living in different flats for the rest of their lives. We're having all sorts of relationships now. Polyamorous relationship.
People are discovering that this premeditated, preset model of relationship is probably what's keeping a lot of people lonely and disconnected from each other.
So it's the responsibility of the person in a couple to meet the terms of the he's or her agreement of their relationship. And as for, in this case, Samantha there, it's for the woman to decide on her values.
Some people think that it's to do with the intention. Oh, I'm doing this with the intention to sleep with married men and this X, Y, and Z. And then she excuses herself for, if I don't know, I don't have the intention to be mean.
I just have the intention to get laid, to have fun. And it's perfectly okay.
I think as long as we, when we talk about sexuality, as long as there is consent, as long as people are conscious about the reasons why they're doing this, it could well be, like you mentioned, people who have avoidant attachment styles.
They end up sleeping with a lot of people thinking they're trying to connect. They're having that connection, but in fact, something's missing. And it's another point.
But with regards to who is at fault, I don't think, if we're going to blame someone assuming this is a monogamous relationship in which they say that you cannot even flirt with someone else or sleep with someone else, then it's obviously the member
of that relationship, the person who carries the responsibility. And then for the woman in this case, Samantha, it would be to do with her values. If she's comfortable with that, she's been truthful to herself.
She's been responsible for her own happiness.
She doesn't have to be responsible for the agreement, because if it's not with her, it will be with someone else, because that man needs to work in that woman as well to understand why is it that she's in a relationship with someone that's not
accountable. So everyone is responsible in that, but for yourself.
I've heard that before from you, Ramon.
Also, my second part of that question around that interaction with Samantha and the Kitchen, is the wife of the guy that she's talking to, I think they're talking about her stock portfolio for her savings account, something boring.
The woman, I think, freaks out when she sees her husband talking to a very attractive woman, and basically does the equivalent of peeing all over her husband, and making sure that Samantha knows that he is spoken for.
She is very eager to get him outside of Samantha's way.
And this made me think how much, because obviously, you've talked about an agreement that you have with your partner, in terms of how do you agree that your relationship will be built, and how is it supposed to work?
How much do you think this woman, because I saw that woman as very insecure, and maybe having trusting issues with her husband, how much do you think that we should allow our partner's insecurities to take a stand as a hard line boundary?
Like how do you think you can work around? Because obviously, you know, if you're in a relationship with someone, you want to protect them, you want to make sure that they feel safe.
To what extent is maybe building boundaries around those insecurities, enabling them to not fix those insecurities?
I agree with you. The moment we accommodate for those insecurities, we are accommodating for them and we're perpetuating them. If I say to my partner, I care about how you feel, here are my feelings.
I feel like there is a lack of trust. I feel that I would like to speak to other people, whether it's men, women, or they're sexy or not. And we need the element of trust.
What do you need from me to be able to feel secure of our relationship? Because it's clearly a case of an anxious attachment style. Allow some space for the person to put in the work.
You've got to see that your partner is also doing the work. So we've got to accommodate because people don't change overnight. We've got to accommodate for the time that people will need to change.
But like you said, not accommodate fully because otherwise we're perpetuating. We've got to work on that. We've got to understand that the subjective point there is trust.
It's not that it's a sexy woman. It's not that that person has an anxious attachment style. Let's find out the reasons.
Let's work on building trust in that relationship. I would never stop my partner from doing this. That's because I take my responsibility.
It's already very hard because there are very sexy people in the world. So I need to be responsible for my part. Never mind being responsible for my partner's part.
Okay.
And then because I know obviously you've touched upon how today's relationships, monogamy, whatever you want to call it, has expanded to, I think, include a lot of types of relationships that can be very inclusive.
And I think it's just come down to communication and making sure that everybody is on the same page. I am curious though, because in a monogamous relationship, obviously, you don't know what happens in your partner's mind.
But where do you think, do you think that there is a line? Is the line intention? Is the line physical activity?
Because I think there's more and more talk about physical affairs versus emotional affairs. What do you think that lies? Do you think that it's just a bilateral agreement?
Or do you think that there is a standard?
It's a matter of consciousness. As long as people are conscious, the one thing that we've got to accept is our brains has a primitive purpose in life, which is survival. But the second most important purpose of life is reproduction.
So our brains are constantly gauged. As long as we feel safe, the next step is going to be reproduction. So desire is there.
Trying to deny desire is the worst mistake that we could possibly have. So once we accommodate for desire, it's okay for you to desire someone because you're not going to stop your partner from desiring anyone in their heads.
You accommodate for that and you say, right, she is disrespected if you do it. And then you discuss the reasons why. And it comes back to being conscious as to why those boundaries are being placed.
Because most things are unconscious. People who often don't go to therapy, they act based on fears. And that's the unconscious mind trying to protect them, protect the attachments, for example.
The moment you go to therapy, you make this more conscious. And that's when you start having healthy relationships with a partner, saying, you know, I suffered an abandonment from, I saw my parents' relationships.
Because let's face it, affairs can happen inside your home. It can be at work, it can be anywhere. So there's no level of control that you're going to have that's going to stop this from happening.
It's often problems that we need to work in therapy as to why you need to deceive your partner. Why is it that you can't be trustworthy and carry responsibilities? As I said, historically, we shift every responsibility to the woman.
Because in nature, naturally, the woman, the female is usually the one that carries the responsibility to raise the child. Males tend to disappear and just continue to reproduce because females are cyclic. You can't reproduce at all times.
So you have your cycles of when you're fertile. But as humans, we should understand that this is slightly different with us because we started the concept of property, which then we established a family and all those things.
So we've got to start educating the males of our society. And that comes down to women as well, educating their own children who are male, to carry responsibilities from day one of their lives.
We can't expect, because like we said before, we tell the girls not to be naked in front. We tell the girls, you know, be careful about their breasts and so many things.
But we don't really tell the boys to be careful with the girls, to be understanding of X, Y and Z. So we just expect once they're grown ups to find the responsibility anywhere.
In fact, the only responsibility that we teach the boys is financial responsibility. Hence why you have more men going towards like getting a job and et cetera.
We've got to learn how to educate our children and the concept of responsibility for this to be resolved.
I think that is a great way to put a ribbon on the episode's theme. And I think that is great. I thank you so much Ramon, because this has been an hour of therapy.
But now we get to that part of the episode where I'm going to ask you what your advice be for each one of the girls on the episode. I will summarize each and then you can give me the advice right after.
Okay, first for Carrie, and I know we've touched upon it, how she reacted around running into Peter, Peppa Mill, Peter in the hallway, and then how she treats Sean, this DKNY dress boyfriend.
The first part, I would say, don't normalize sexual harassment. Don't be afraid of difficult conversations, because this is what keeps putting on the women every responsibility. Men should be held responsible for their acts too.
The second part, it's perfectly fine, because what she's doing, if you think about it, we've been told, if you think about evolution, we want to, the fittest survive.
You, Isabel, you're probably looking for what you learned, what someone told you is the fittest, whether it's a man with a good job, or whether it's a man with a good size penis or whatever.
That's going to be your notion of your understanding of strength. Some women will find in financial power, other women are going to find in size, actually muscles, because they feel protected, actual physical strength.
So what Carrie is doing is trying to bring it to a more conscious, a more personal, let me decide what I'm going to see as strength.
And maybe, yes, this guy, this doesn't light me up, but let me try, because there are other types of strength that I may not have experienced in life. There's nothing wrong with that. Carrie on and define yourself.
I think one of the reasons why it becomes harder and harder for people to find the other halves is because they're still attached to what the majority of people define as strength. And we have a lot of people looking for what very few carry.
Very good. Now, Miranda, we let her off the hook for the gay part for her career, but would you have given her any advice at any point? Had she met her or had she met with you at the end of the week to if you were her therapist?
Any notes?
I would say to her, go ahead, take the opportunity as long as you feel like you're not, there's no prejudice to the gay community. There's no, you're not taking the place of a gay person. She was honest at the end.
And I think I would encourage that honesty, you know, because she didn't create the situation. The situation wasn't really there. So she just took an opportunity.
And in a city like New York, as a lawyer, go ahead, take the opportunity, but just make sure that you contribute to the community that you're using.
What about the tie? Would you have told her maybe the tie is a bit much, like you're leaning a bit much into it? Or we also let her...
I wear ties sometimes and I identify as sexual, but do we think it was a bit much? It depends.
If it's something that she wears normally, that she feels comfortable, I don't think we should have the stigma that one thing is for one type of people.
If women want to be straight and still dress in that manner because they feel more comfortable, because they relate to their fathers or the parental figures. It's perfectly fine. But if that was the intention to deceive, then yeah, that's a bit much.
It goes back to the intention.
I will give a note here and I may be wrong. This is all alleged, but I do think Miranda never again is seen with a tie. I will leave it there.
Somebody can prove me wrong. But I said what I said. Samantha, two things.
I think also we talked about it. What would your advice be to a female client of yours that knowingly sleeps with married men? That's one.
And the other one, we haven't talked about it, but she does get carried home by Charlotte, who's kind enough to do the sloppy drunk, you're my friend, I'm going to take you to my apartment.
And she brings the doorman back to Charlotte's place and sleeps with him.
Reckless. Completely reckless. You know, there are two major things there.
One is the sexual element, which again, it's quite tricky in that point because, and I think the show needs to be more careful, because the doorman could see that Charlotte was having to carry Samantha, which then makes you think, is she in the place
to actually give consent? You know, if she's barely being able to walk. So consent is one huge thing. And the worst is...
Well, I guess he did.
Yeah, well, he did by going up.
And again, like I said, her coming down, you know, and trying to seduce him. Great. Live space for seduction.
If he had said, I'm married, please could... And then after that, I would consider sexual harassment. But that we need to give space for sensuality as well.
But in her case of bringing a stranger to her friend's apartment, rude. You don't invite people to where you're being invited. That's rule number one.
And also very dangerous because we don't know. We can see, we see more and more cases of people who are being abused, or who could steal something from someone else's home. So that was very, very dangerous.
Even if you say, oh, but he's the doorman. He probably went through security checks, but we just don't know. We need to really be careful.
Like I said, sadly, we still educate the victims how to protect themselves rather than the abusers or the wrongdoers, how to not do things wrong. But there's no more effective way to do that. And it is to be careful.
So if you want to have fun, sleep without strings, great, fine, but try and be as safe as you possibly can. Yeah. Oh, and even if she brings to her apartment, I would text a friend who you really trust saying, I'm with this guy, X, Y, and Z.
Have a friend with whom you can be very open, and if possible, send a picture of the person that you're going to see. That goes with a lot of people meeting online as well.
It's safe, even if you're going to the person's house or to a hotel or whatever. It's just an extra level of security. Nowadays, we can't ignore that the world is going in another direction.
That's quite dangerous.
That is a sad truth. Okay, finally, Charlotte, who, as I'm doing this episode, I'm realizing she literally has no character development until God knows when.
But in this episode, she just pretends to want to be the biggest fan of the sorority that marriage is. And then she gets the sloppy seconds of Carrie because she's like, you want to get married, Sean wants to get married.
Why don't you give it a shot? So what would your advice be to Charlotte? Who seems to be desperate?
Like that is her character development in this episode, desperate for marriage.
We would need to understand because obviously we can see a high level of emotional dependence there. If you think that you can only be happy or complete with someone else, we've got to work on you first.
Because you need to know how people say you need a community to raise a child. I say to my patients that you also need a community to have a healthy relationship. You can't expect your partner to be your entire world.
You can't expect your partner to be my source of challenge, of excitement, of financial security, of, oh, it has to be fun. We need to like the same things. It's too much.
Nobody wants to be that person, because that's an extension of you. You need your friends as well to do certain things. You need your work, you need your family, you need different sources, and that's your responsibility, not someone else's.
So we would work on that, first of all, but then understand what is it in the institution of marriage that she sees as a positive thing.
The fact that she's seeing someone that her friend tried and realized that maybe she has more compatibility with the other one, I don't see it as a problem.
I see life as a transaction as long as every part involved is happy with the situation and you know that your friend is not going to be offended, which is clearly not the case. Ticari was the one who suggested.
I don't see why you would feel less or more or a second. It's simply about testing compatibility. I think people are taking too harsh on themselves with the whole rejection thing.
You're either compatible with someone or you're not. You've got to try. You've got to get a good goal.
Okay.
And her breaking it up over the China, the wrong choice of China, Pauli.
Oh. Well, again, again, this is why I said to you, you know, when I was talking about important things from day one, I, for instance, have a thing.
If someone doesn't know how to treat waiters or no dates, I'm not paying on a second date or third date. And that was something that was very important for me. Deal breaker.
You need to know your deal breakers. Let's face it. Like I said, human beings are social beings.
When you see someone, why is it that when you drink, when you had a good night out with your friends and your drink, you usually let go of some standards. You can end up sleeping with someone that you wouldn't otherwise.
This is because you probably didn't use your conscious mind to think, how would I introduce this person to my friend? How would I introduce this person to my family?
Those things that you're asking yourself unconsciously there because you're thinking how that person can come into your world, they are core things for you.
And if you think that, because you need to admire on as well, and if it's something that you would feel embarrassed about, you're probably not going to be compatible with that person.
So there's no point for you to continue to, unless the person is willing to change, if something's very, very, very intrinsic to the person, you're not going to.
This is why dates are in fact a try and taste, and you shouldn't be just looking for the dopamine rush. You've got to really see whether you're compatible.
Thank you so much, Ramon. This has been so informative. I am learning so much doing this, so thank you so much for coming on.
Yeah, thank you for having me.
I really, really, really had fun. It was a show that I liked from when I first saw it. When I saw it, I never imagined that I was going to be a sexologist, a therapist, and being able to go back to the show with these eyes that I now have.
It's so interesting. What I never realized was that the show brings one person. It's a story of a woman there, in the female world.
We all have that sort of... As humans, actually, we have the side of us who wants to be like Samantha. We want to let go of all the rules.
We want to be able to enjoy ourselves and perhaps try life in that sense. But there is a part of us that Charlotte's saying, no, but you need to get married. You're probably going to...
The clock's ticking. Then you have Carrie, I want to be a professional. I want to be successful and I want to be interested.
And you have Miranda, which is more in the middle there, but trying to be comfortable with who you are regardless of all the things. So if you think about it, there is a woman there.
There's many voices in a woman's head, which you all should allow yourselves to experience at some point in your life. It's an interesting show. Thank you.
Encouraging people to maybe try and sleep with married men.
Okay, Ramon, thank you so much. This has been very, very fun.
Likewise. Thank you. I really enjoyed myself.
I hope to come to you soon.
