First Dates, Freaks & Why Carrie Became the One That Was Undateable — S2E3 with Alejandra Welsh Peña, Intimacy Coach
About This Episode
In Season 2 episode three of And Just Like That… We Found Therapy, host Isabel MV sits down with relationship and intimacy coach Alejandra Welsh Peña to unpack Sex and the City's "The Freak Show." Are all single men in their 30s actually freaks? Is Charlotte turning Mr. Pussy into husband material? And how did Carrie — in trying to find the catch — end up becoming the freak herself? Alejandra brings her signature no-nonsense take on dating, casual sex, orgasm blindness and why dating is absolutely not a numbers game.
What We Cover
Never do a first date on a Friday or Saturday — and why keeping first dates short and casual leaves them wanting more
The BDSM closet reveal: what good sexual etiquette actually looks like when you have kinks
Are all single men in their 30s freaks — or are we all just projecting our own baggage?
Orgasm blindness and oxytocin: why Charlotte is trying to turn a situationship into a marriage
The non-date concept: why removing pressure from early dating changes everything
Dating burnout — when back-to-back bad dates turn you into the problem
Why "men are all freaks" is exactly why Miranda isn't dating — and how negative dating culture becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy
Can you tell a lot about someone from their friends? Alejandra's inner circle test
Samantha's age anxiety: the science behind why men seek youth and what it's costing her self-worth
Quality over quantity in dating: why one good date beats four bad ones every time
About Our Guest
Alejandra Welsh Peña is the founder of 5th House, a coaching practice working with men and women on sex, intimacy and relationships. She offers one-on-one coaching, her five-week men's programme The Pleasure Code — covering masculinity, women's sexuality and how to create epic connection — and her 30-Day Approach Challenge, designed to help men confidently and respectfully meet women in real life. Find all her programmes and one-on-one coaching in the show notes.
Transcript
Hello, everybody, and welcome again to And Just Like That We Found Therapy. Today I have with me Alejandra Welsh Peña, who is a relationship and intimacy coach. How are you today, Alejandra?
I'm very good.
I'm super excited for this episode.
Me too. I have to say the first time, even before I started building this podcast, I put a prompt out on my Instagram saying, like, can anybody recommend, like, a good sex therapist or relationship coach for this?
And I think five different people, most of them men, recommended you. So I'm very pumped to do this.
I'm so happy to hear that. That's a good testament to my work then.
Very good. Just a brief introduction. We can dive more into how you work later in the episode.
But Alejandra is the founder of the 5th House. And you work, I think, a lot with men, but also with women around intimacy and relationships, correct?
Yes, exactly. So getting your confidence back in the bedroom and really knowing your stuff and what you're doing just to create deep soul connections in relationship and mind-blowing epic sex.
A lot of people are really functioning around average to good. They don't realize that we can actually have epic level sex. So that's where I'm bringing people to.
Amazing.
Okay. And today we have Alejandra with us to discuss season two, episode three of Sex and the City, The Freak Show. So as per usual, I'll walk us through the episode and I'll prompt you some questions.
At the beginning of this episode, Carrie's voiceover is telling us that, you know, like when the Second World War was going on in Europe, the US was a promised land and everybody came to New York to make their dreams come true.
And similarly, Saturday night in Manhattan, it was kind of like the epitome of first dates all over, where women all over town were hoping to get their dreams come true through a good first date that might end up in marriage.
My first question to you is, how do you feel about first dates happening on prime real estate week time, like Friday and Saturday?
Never a first day date. I would say, don't do your first dates on a Friday or Saturday. You also don't want them to be like long dinner dates.
What I recommend to all my clients is, when you're first meeting someone, make it like a two hour walk in the park or like going to grab a juice, something in the daytime, something very casual.
Like what a lot of men get wrong is doing these extravagant first dates because they're like so...
They've already put the woman up on the pedestal and then they've like spent so much money, they've like made a huge scene and then maybe prematurely the woman falls for them and it's not actually a match and it's just messy.
Also, if you're not a match, it can be a really long dinner and time to be committing to if it's like, not really feeling it.
Right.
So yeah, keep it light, keep it short, keep it simple. And then it also keeps the person like, if it went really well, you're kind of like begging for more, like, oh my God, that was so sure. I can't wait to see him the next time.
So pro tip, leave them wanting more.
Interesting. Yeah, I like that one. So then we get introduced to Samantha, saying she doesn't believe in first dates, but she believes in sex right after them.
And I am very curious to hear what you have to say about this, because Samantha is on a date with this litigator called Harrison, who apparently does very well for himself.
And I think they both know what's going to go down, so they go back to his place. And they are talking in a very flirtatious way.
I think they're on the bed and they're doing kind of like some role play where Samantha is sexually harassing him, because he is a litigator that specializes in this.
And then he kind of says like, yeah, you also really fit the profile, because normally most sexual harassment cases are brought on by older women. And what are you like in your 40s?
Samantha takes offense and she's like, excuse me, I'm going to go to the bathroom to freshen up. So first question here, how do you feel about Samantha in that scene, taking such offense at somebody who maybe sees her for the age she is?
I think there's, it's funny because that's her character throughout the whole show, right? It's like she doesn't dare admit her age. In fact, I think it's Carrie who's like for her last five birthdays, she's been turning 35 the whole time.
So I think there's definitely something to be said in being excited to age. And I think society has put so much pressure on women to look good, to look a certain age. So of course, there's no wonder why you want to be remain useful.
But again, it doesn't play into the authenticity of who she actually is. However, because she is very interested and up for casual sex, maybe she feels like being younger will get her more of that, I don't know.
Yeah. And also, I guess if you're basing most of the relationship on the physical side and it making it feel good, if you're not getting the validation, it defeats her purpose.
Yeah, totally.
But this is a very interesting development because she comes out of the bathroom, she's trying to look for him, and she kind of hears this taunting voice coming from a door. Like, I'm over here.
She opens the door and this dude is, like, strapped neck to toes in BDSM stuff, in his, I guess, torture closet. And I was shocked to see Samantha put off by that because I was like, I thought she was game for everything.
It's interesting to see that that is where she's, like, weirded out. But I have two questions for you here. One, what do you think about somebody introducing something so kinky first time in and also the first time that allegedly they're meeting?
And the second one is, like, what do you think about Samantha's reaction?
Okay, so good question. If you have specific kinks, I think it's bad etiquette to just be like, ta-da, without any, like, forewarning or conversation or communication.
If you've met in a, like, not excluding this episode, if you've met perhaps on field or like at a kinky event, you know, then maybe at least you're expecting something, right?
But to have it sprung on you, I do feel like that's poor sexual etiquette and it is a conversation. A lot of people aren't into that and a lot of people wouldn't react the way that Samantha did.
Also, women and men really need to feel like safe with somebody else in order to let them into a realm of BDSM and kink because it requires a lot of communication and a lot of like consent and boundary talk, which most new people have just met don't
have the ability to do very well, like from the off. So yeah, I would say very strange to do that. You definitely want communication when it comes to kink and BDSM. It's like very nuanced and it comes with a lot of like communication.
And then her reaction, yeah, being Samantha, I also thought she was kind of going to lean into it, but then she was like turned off completely.
So I wasn't sure if that's because like maybe BDSM was a little bit too far fetched for like a 90s, noughties TV show. It wasn't until recently, like I think 2004, that King or BDSM was in the DSMR 5, I think DSMR.
DSMR is like Regulations of Mental Health, and it's in the US, and it was classed as like a sociopathic trait, or was classed as something that was really not acceptable in society.
So, you know, So, 2004, they were like, it's actually not psychotic.
Yeah, exactly. That's when they were like, oh, you guys are actually aren't freaks, you're normal people. So, that was only just recently, so I can imagine like, but of course, if you do have kinks, the first day is not the place to introduce it.
You can start talking about it, you can start asking, but you know, it does require a lot of like safety and familiarity and trust to be able to like surrender into a dominant state or a submissive state.
Okay, great question, great answer. Okay, the scene after that is all the girls at this event where they're launching a coffee table book or something like that.
And they're talking about Samantha's date, and I think here we get introduced to the subject of the episode.
There is like, men are freaks, any man that is like single beyond their 30s is a freak, and it's a Derweian way to like weed out the weak ones. And that's it. And that's why Miranda is not dating anymore.
And I love that Carrie is like, what about us? And Miranda is like, we're just picky. I'm very curious to understand from you, how do you feel?
Because I feel in this day and age, we commit later and later in life. How do you feel the pool of single people you work with? Like, how's their age?
How do you feel? Like, what do you think are the circumstances? And do you think that there's a region weeding out of the week and the freaks?
Well, I like Carrie's challenge of, well, what about us?
And I don't want to like spoil the end, but you kind of comes full circle, right? And I work with men in their 30s and above. So I work with men all the way up until they're, I think 60s is the oldest.
And some of them are in relationships, others aren't in relationships, but we all are kind of like freaks in our own way, if you want to call it. Men, women, but we all have our histories, we all have our stories, we all have our past, right?
And we're all kind of trying, deep down at the end of the day, we're all looking for love and to be seen and to be heard and to be nurtured and to be able to give that nurture back. And some of us just, some of us are working on it more than others.
And so, yeah, when I heard that, it's kind of funny because I'm so proud of all the men in my world and all my clients that I work with, because we don't get taught this at all when we're kids. We don't get taught how to express our desires.
We don't get told how to even talk about our genitals. We don't get told how to express our boundaries or how to communicate properly. And now we're just kind of thrown into like, what is the most difficult thing in the world?
I would say dating, because this brings up like your insecurities, your triggers, your shadows. It's way harder than being in a relationship, let me tell you. And so, yeah, all of these things are coming out.
And my male clients are really doing everything they can to be the best version of themselves. So, yeah, I guess you could call all of us freaks, maybe, because we all have that one thing that makes us be like, did I really just do that?
Why did I do that? Why am I behaving this way? And that one person who like brings these things out of us and these like triggers and craziness, but we also have a way to regulate.
And that's a lot what I teach as well, is like emotional regulation, because especially in men, they're taught to like suppress and really be stoic and not show off or express their emotions too much.
And so through learning to express their feelings and what their emotions and what's happening in their body, they're allowed to get like a lot closer to themselves and therefore women and interact in a lot more like harmonious language.
Yeah.
I hope that answered the question.
That makes a lot of sense. And I think in this scene, then Charlotte comes back and she's like, Oh my God, I love this party. I just met the most interesting man.
His name is like Mitchell Saylor or something like that. He's really, really interesting. And Samantha's like, Mitch Saylor, please follow me to the bathroom.
And we get introduced to Mr. Pussy. And they're having this conversation, the four of them in the women's bathroom.
And even a woman that's in one of the stalls comes down and she's like, you must be talking about Mitch Saylor. He is excellent. Like I passed out while we were dating.
He is good. Enjoy. And Charlotte, of course, being as conservative as she is, she's just like, okay, no.
Because I think Carrie's voiceover is saying like, Charlotte would always refer to a man by first and last name when she really liked them so that she could like, imagine their initials embroidered in their towels when they got married.
So here we get introduced to one of the first freaks. What do you think about Mr. Pussy?
How would you react if maybe one of your girlfriends met such a man at a party? And how would you talk to Charlotte if she was your friend?
I mean, I would definitely be very similar to what the girls' advice is like, lean in, get yours. Like, not everyone can like, go downtown like in that way, and not every man is so pleasing and giving to a woman. So like, go for it.
But then also what they say is like, but he's not a boyfriend material unless he like proves otherwise. Like you're not going on dates, you don't even know like his last name, you don't know anything about him.
You've literally only met up in the bedroom to like have this. Yeah, you know, pussy looking exchange. Yeah, which is epic.
So yeah, I would say like take it for what it is, you know, some people come into our lives to teach us lessons about love. Other people come into our lives to give us great pleasure. So take the gift.
Can I ask you this question, though?
Maybe this is for later. But because anyway, we leave that storyline there. And then Carrie says, like, unlike Miranda, I hadn't lost all hope and I agreed to my first blind date in I don't know how many years.
And she goes on a date with this guy who is like a documentary director who just got like very good reviews by, I'm guessing, some documentary house about Seagulls documentary something.
And they're on this date and I can see Carrie putting on the First Day Plus entries voice. They're like, oh my God, so you're documentary. Tell me more about it.
Sounds so exciting. And he's like, fuck the Seagulls. I don't give a fuck.
I just want to make money. This is my gateway to go into Hollywood. I would sell toilet bowls if that would make me a millionaire.
I don't care to say it outright. I care about money. And we get introduced to another freak who is the money-obsessed or soulless man.
What do you think about this interaction as a first date?
Yeah, first date, not great. I would also think alarm bells. I mean, kudos for being open and honest and what you really want.
But at the same time, if you also don't have passion, it means you don't have direction. If you don't have direction, it means you don't have purpose. And then that's where things just get like messy and you lose attraction, right?
When you're only focusing on one thing, which is money. So, yeah, I mean, depends what you as a woman are looking for. If you just want like stability in a great home, maybe he's going to give it to you.
But I think women want a lot more than that.
Yeah. And then we get introduced to like Carrie being like, OK, I wasn't willing to give up, so I went to my second date. She's on the line to go to the movies with Bachelor No.
2, and they're discussing candy and popcorn for the movies and having a sweet interaction. And then the guy turns around and he's like, oh, yeah, you want to chime in, like you're standing so close to us.
Do you also want to come in the candy discussion with us? And we get introduced to another freak, the man with two faces. What do you think about that?
Appropriately named.
Definitely a big red flag, definitely.
Appropriate reaction by him.
No, I mean, anyone who displays like outrages or outbursts of any emotion is already a red flag. Overly sad, overly angry, overly happy. It's already like, well, okay, something's deregulated.
So yeah, if your reaction to something so minimal and small is that large, run for the hills. No explanation needed.
Bachelor number three. Carrie is on a date with a guy who's made like two million in the bonds market or something like that, and they're going around after they've had a lovely dinner. I don't know, literally, or something like that.
And they're browsing at books and we get, again, the freak show tune and he's like, we see this man put a used secondhand book in his pants, and she's like, meet the guy that needlessly steals cheap secondhand books.
And she goes with like, yes, we're all men freaks.
Do you also think, I was actually kind of like, I'm going to let him steal that book, and then I'm going to ask about it, because maybe there's like a cute little story or a dare that I don't know about. I didn't think this was that bad.
Is my bar very low?
Is your bar low? I'm going to say your bar is not low, because I've also been in this scenario. I remember dating a guy who would steal these small little things, and he'd come home and give them to me like, oh, look, I got you this lip balm.
And at first, I thought it was a game that he was bringing me into. And then I started to realize that that was actually just the tip of the iceberg, and underneath the water, there was a whole lot of shit that needed to be uncovered. So, yeah.
I mean, maybe you're right. Like, ask him what was that about. But yeah, if it's a common theme, not a cute little dare.
Definitely.
If it's a pattern, maybe run.
And this is where Carrie is like, OK, kind of thinking like our old men who are single in their 30s, freaks, she's sitting in a fountain, I guess, at Central Park, and this guy is sitting next to her, and they keep exchanging looks, and they have
like a very cute meet cute, where they're discussing about how disheartening it can be to be dating in your 30s, and Carrie's just like, oh no, I had a bad date. When did you all guys become freaks?
And then he discusses about the fact that he's also been with some women who are very weird, this woman who would sleep with her shoes on, and they're just reminiscent on the fact that it sucks, and they agree to go out on a non-date.
And I think, my question to you here is also like, we've romanticized, or at least I have romanticized so much, meeting my future partner that I think also in this episode, I saw reflected kind of like, okay, meeting people organically versus meeting
people via dating apps or via blind date setups, whatever you want to call it. Do you think that there's some truth in maybe an organic meetup being a better connection or the roots to a better connection or it doesn't matter?
Versus like an app or or like a... Yes. I guess you're really starting at the same...
You think there's less pressure?
Yeah, because suddenly you're sitting there, you don't know where the conversation is going for all you know, this man might be spoken for.
So your intention is just to have a conversation for the purposes of like making your day or his better, not to see whether or not there's like a romantic future.
Yeah, I mean, of course, depends how the meat cute happens, right? Them two sitting in a park, just conversing and like getting something off both of their chests. That kind of starts like a friendly non-pressure conversation.
However, usually what men experience on the other side is, oh my God, that's a beautiful woman. How do I approach her? What do I do?
Should I go? Should I not go? Is she going to reject me?
Maybe she's got a boyfriend, maybe she doesn't have a boyfriend. Like, oh my God, I don't want to let the moment pass. And then they get in this whole fluster, and there's a lot of pressure on men, more so than if they aren't dating now.
So I think, but to be honest, I did a poll actually, like three days ago, on how women want to meet their future partner. And 97% of women said they want to meet someone in real life, like a natural, open approach rather than online dating.
So, you know, we all kind of want to have that that story. We all want to have that like moment of the meet queue, of the meeting, of the bumping into each other, of the oops, my coffee fell, whatever, you know, it is. Yeah.
And yeah, there is an element of like there being less pressure.
However, I don't think it's that natural, considering most of the time all of us have our heads down in our phones, and we're not really like keeping our eyes up for these moments to really happen.
But I did like what he said about the, let's have a non-date. And when he said that, I was like, oh, I like that idea because that takes the pressure off. You know, you're still going to meet up.
Maybe you fancy each other a little bit. You probably do fancy each other a little bit. Otherwise, you wouldn't be investing in going to have this non-date, but then there's no pressure to go any further.
And if it doesn't work out, you've just made friends and started like as a friendship thing. So I really like the idea of the non-date thing. And I might actually steal it.
Good.
Yeah, because I think for me, most of it is the fact that I put so much pressure and like the expectations and what you said, the bigger the setup of the date, the bigger the expectations and chances are you're going to get crashed because like
there's not living up to some expectations and fantasies that you're also not communicating. And you also don't know if this person is worthy of those fantasies. So I like that. And I think they go on this non-date.
We see Ben walking Carrie back home and they have like this little chat where they're being cued and Ben says like, you know, if this were a real date, this is the part where normally I would try to come upstairs.
So Carrie says, then I guess, no good night kiss. And they end up kissing. I don't know what their rationale is about this.
Which I think, as you say, is very cute. Like it looks like such a nice date where Carrie doesn't look as done up as when she used to go out with Mr. Big.
She's more relaxed. Everything seems a bit less forced. And we kind of continue seeing this relationship develop.
And Carrie says nothing makes you feel more as a non-couple that setting up two of your friends for a non-double date. And they're in Central Park. Ben, Carrie, Miranda, and Manhattan guy.
And they have this... It looks like they're getting on just fine, but within like five seconds, Miranda says, like, oh, I'm going to Connecticut this weekend to see my grandfather. And the dude is like, ugh, Connecticut.
And we kind of discover that the guy hasn't left the island in like 10 years or something crazy like that. So Miranda's like, hmm, okay, yeah, I need to go feed my cat. And Carrie's like, I thought you bet your cat already.
He's like, I gotta feed him again. And then this dude gets really sour and he's just like, ugh, cat people. And Miranda's like, dude, he's a freak.
And normally you can tell a lot by people's friends. So if he's a freak, chances are Ben's a freak. What do you think about that?
What do you think about Manhattan guy? And how true do you think it is that you can tell a lot by how right or wrong somebody might be for you because of like who their friends are?
Yeah. Okay. So good questions.
I think her response was very good boundaries. Like he showed very weird signals. Well, something that she's not aligned with, right?
Maybe Manhattan guy could meet Manhattan girl. But Miranda is just not a Manhattan guy kind of woman. And so she's like, you know, I don't have time for this.
And then on top, he makes like the cat comment and that just solidifies it. And she's like, no, I don't need to like be a people pleaser. I don't need to like do this just so that he doesn't feel uncomfortable.
So I really like that because there's been many a date I've overstayed just to like make the guy feel upset or his to bruise his ego. But at this age, it's like, no, I'm here for something and this isn't aligning. It's not working out.
And in fact, you're being weird and a freak. So I'm going to bow out. So I like that.
And then when and then she kind of walks off, right? And she's like, well, watch out, because the friends say a lot about about who they are as a person.
And that did get me thinking because I was like, you know, it's kind of nuanced because sometimes we keep friends around because we've known them since we were five years old, but they have nothing to do with who we are anymore.
And we have like, we're worlds apart. We don't have the same views, but we kind of stay friends just for just because of time and because we've been friends with them forever.
In that case, I don't know if I would necessarily over judge someone for in that case, but then at the same time, it's like, who are you spending a day to day with? Who are you calling your best friend?
Who are you, you know, setting your friends up with?
Like if you're setting your friends up with somebody who's like that, then, or someone who you vouch for being a good guy, then I would start to question like, are your values off if you think that this is a good match for my friend?
So I would really look at the guy as like inner circle. Like who does he tell his, when he celebrates something, who does he call? When he's sad about something, who does he call?
Who are his three closest inner circle friends? And then like get a vibe out of that. But yeah, I was like, I was like, oh yeah, it's kind of true.
Went around and said that.
Yes. Okay. Along this kind of like double date, I think we check in back again with Charlotte and Mr.
Pussy. And this is the question that I wanted to ask you earlier, because Charlotte, we see her having a fantastic week of exchanges with Mr. Pussy.
And she comes back to her friends and she's like, I am so happy. I think Mitch and I have a real shot at a future together because he makes me so happy. And they're all in Carrie's apartment talking about this.
And everybody's like, what do you mean? Like, do you even know his middle name? Do you even go out on dates?
And Samantha's like, do you even fuck? And Charlotte's just like, so shocked by everyone's questions.
My question to you here was, do you think that sometimes women, is it because we romanticize everything because of society movies and whatnot, or is it because of oxytocin that we try to make something that is supposed to be purely physical into a
relationship? What do you think happens in our brain that sometimes it's harder for us to divide kind of like physical from the whole package?
Yeah, I think you've nailed it on the head. It is all of that like feel good chemicals, orgasm blindness, I guess you can call it. And also when we do like release this oxytocin hormone chemicals, it is very like bonding.
And then we and also depends on the stage of our life. Do we want a partnership? Do we want?
So it can almost blind us to be like, well, he's making me feel really good, which means I want to have him around in my life. So it's definitely a combo of the two.
Then you get the Samantha's who are like very, you know, into sex and can separate the sex from the emotional.
Yeah. Okay. And then I think in the same scene, Samantha is also saying that she's wearing this, I don't know, weird underwear to get fat out of her ass into her face because that is her storyline for this episode.
And then I think we jump back in into Ben and Carrie. They're about to sleep together. I guess it's been like a week and something, two weeks.
And they have a cute lead on to the moment where they're discussing their secrets. And he has a little Tweedie tattoo. And she is scrappy because she has a little scar.
And then we wake up the next morning, they're still in bed and Ben says, I have to go meet up my friends for football or soccer or whatever. Be right back. And then we see Carrie.
And like this, because of all my years in therapy, I know is self-sabotaging. She's just kind of like taken the next step, which is a big step in this relationship. It's gone well.
So what does she do? She goes mental. She starts seeing what he eats, what he wears, what he reads, what he watches, who he dated, completely violating his privacy until she finds this box that looks like it's locked.
And she is, for the purposes of dramatization in the show, with her cigarette, like feed on the bed, trying to like open it with like a screwdriver. And Ben comes back in and he's like, what the hell are you doing?
And Carrie's like, I was trying to find your freak secret. And he opens the box and it's just like, it opens like this is my boy scout. Kind of like paraphernalia.
I don't know what it was. What do you think about Carrie in this scene?
Yeah, that was a hard scene to watch because you almost want to jump in and be like, no, there's nothing wrong with him. And just like you're sabotaging, like you said.
But also there's a big part of me that feels for her because she's just been on back to back terrible dates where like in date one, she's just realized how quote unquote freaky they all aren't. And so at some point you're like, are they all freaks?
Is this too good to be true? Is this not real? Like there has to be something, like the joke has to continue kind of thing.
And so she's sort of like, like I said, it's dating is fucking tough. And then dating in New York is like a whole other world of its own.
So she kind of goes into the state of I need to find the thing that's wrong with him because I don't want to be, I don't want to be tricked again, or I don't want to be duped again. So it's almost like a protective thing as well.
And then in the end, it kind of backfires on her and turns out, yeah, you kind of see her with, like you said, his shirt on, no pants, a cigarette in her hand, and like the guilty knife in her hand trying to open the box.
And it's just so clear without anyone saying it, it's like, well you've become the one that's like undateable.
Yeah, I think Ben says, like, I thought you were a good one or a normal one. And she says, I was.
And I think that's the end of the episode where she says, like, we all have our baggage, we're all freaks, but hopefully we will all find our own freak that will kiss our three heads good night and wish us sweet dreams. Which is true.
But that's the end of the episode. I'd love for you to maybe give advice to the girls. And I might ask you for some of the guys, because I'm very curious to hear the other perspective.
But starting for Carrie, because as you were saying, they're saying that she was back to back from bad dates, so she wanted to see, is the joke still on? Am I still the butt of this joke? What would your advice be to her?
Would you tell her to maybe take a break from dating if you've had like maybe two or three dates and then explore something else? Would you tell her to maybe work on regulating before doing something so dramatic? What would your advice be to her?
Yeah, I would definitely say all of the above.
If she's where she's at, maybe it's like you need to do a little dating detox so that you can get your faith back in humanity and most of all men, because there are clearly obviously amazing men also having similar experiences where they think all
the women are freaks. But where it really boils down to is she's kind of gotten herself to a dating burnout, which I feel like a lot of men and women do, where they're just doing back-to-back dates and they think it's a numbers game, when actually
the best thing to do is like, what are you finding out about this person before it's too late, and you're sitting down at the dinner table already and you're at the meal, and you're like thinking, fuck, this guy's a freak, I want to leave, or fuck,
this woman's a freak and I want to leave. Like, what are the questions that you're asking? How are you qualifying them to see if they're compatible with you before you agree to spending more extended time, which is why I said first dates, keep them
short, keep them to an hour or two, don't make it extravagant, and really just find small things out so you've not over-invested time, money, whatever else. So yeah, that's what I would say first. Energy, yeah.
So yeah, qualify who you're dating before you're dating by asking, like if you're meeting on dating apps, asking questions around their values and what do they want, and things that interest that are important to you, and things like that.
Then of course, the emotional regulation piece of, like you said, take a few breaths if you really think you're getting overwhelmed. Then if you are at the point of burnout, stop dating.
You might think you're going to miss the Prince Charming, but actually you're going to miss him anyways if you're in this state of self-sabotage and kind of blocking all of the encounters that you're meeting.
I love that you said that it is not a numbers game because I've heard that so many times. So you think it's more about the weeding process and how you decide to give chances?
100%.
It is definitely not a numbers game because if you're coming to a date with the same energy, with the same lackluster, or with the same sort of not sharing yourself openly, you're going to be met with the same sort of experiences time and time and
time again, and then you're going to get burned out. It's about really finding quality. And if you like, yeah, so really, really go with that.
Okay. What would you say is a good rule of thumb for maybe dates per month? Maybe for men and women.
I don't know if there's a difference.
You mean like new dates, new people?
Yes.
I would say like one day a week, one to two maybe. It depends also on yourself, right? Like when I was in my mid 20s, I loved dating and I also don't get overwhelmed by too many people.
I really love meeting people, whether it's men or women. I mean, I'm heterosexual, but I love meeting like all types of people all of the time. So a date is another version of like making a friend, right?
Yeah.
When you're not doing it in this burnout way, where it means you committing to a weekend or like a three hour dinner, then it can be fun and casual.
So really like organize it to fit with your personality. Some people are like, I can't handle meeting that many people and I feel like it's too much and it's too many energies. So then like calm it down, slow it down.
I mean, I have a friend who I remember, she used to really dress up and like do her hair and everything, and like she would schedule four dates on that evening.
Because she was like, no, I'm dressed and like I look good, so four dates in a night. I was like, fucking hell, I would need like to unplug for three days after that.
Literally, definitely. I mean, there's definitely something to be said about like energy exchanges over the evening, right? You don't want to be like moving too much energy from one to another.
Four is a lot. I mean, I get like, hair and makeup is a big effort, but maybe four is too much.
Okay. Then next would be Charlotte. What would you tell someone who maybe is like intoxicated by all the oxytocin and good sex and the orgasm goggles, trying to make Mr.
Pussy into a husband?
Yeah. So I would say that definitely understand what the nature of the relationship is. And if you can handle a casual relationship in the first place.
A lot of women can't handle a casual or don't like casual relationships because sex isn't great. In fact, I think it's under 10% of women orgasm in a one night stand versus like plus 68% or something for men.
Casual relationships just aren't that great for women. But when it's done in a good way, then it can actually be really nourishing for both the man and the woman when the communication is there.
I always say like casual sex doesn't equal casual communication. So when it's done well and it can be very nourishing for both parties.
But in Charlotte's case, I feel like she's over attaching too quickly and she's not seeing the bigger picture for what it is. So it's always about like checking in with yourself and having your best friends around you like, am I rushing into this?
Am I seeing something that there isn't? Like if you tend to be somebody who's an anxious attached or you like latch on to things very quickly, if sex is something that makes you attach very quickly, slow those things down.
Like don't go into the bedroom with someone if you feel like you're going to get attached after you've shared a sexual experience. Get to know someone beforehand if that's the kind of relationship that you want to have.
But yeah, also understanding like where's this guy at? Where am I at? Do we both want the same thing?
And then moving from there.
Yeah, okay. What about Miranda who's like all men are freaks. Anybody in their 30s who's like single, he's like there's something wrong with him and that's why I'm not dating.
What would you tell her?
Pessimistic. I have a lot of girlfriends who are in this camp and they're like naysayers and they shut themselves off energetically to meeting someone because they preemptively expect men to just be shit and a freak.
And I honestly, I can't stand when women say this, like men are freaks, men are bad, men are assholes, men don't know how to date. That's exactly why you're not dating.
And then the worst thing is when you like bitch about dating to other friends who are also bitching about dating and almost like creates this like sisterhood of dating sucks, men are shit, I'm never going to meet anyone.
And of course, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So when you build like an amazing culture of how to date, it can actually be fun. It can actually bring out this amazing side of you, which is like flirtatious and putting your best foot forward.
And like you said, getting the hair done and the makeup. And I always say like on dates, you should always be bringing your best side and creating an amazing conversation.
And at worst, you've had like you've met someone who's not a match, but it can become a friend. And at best, you know, something amazing can happen.
And you know what, if you guys do hit it off and click, but not in a romantic way, who's to say that that guy doesn't have a friend that he can introduce you to or invites you to a barbecue where that person's going to like, you know what I mean?
So see it more as like human connection rather than I'm finding, I need to find the love of my life and there's all this pressure because you're going to come with that anxious energy. PMA, Positive Mental Attitude.
I love it. PMA. Okay.
And then lastly, Samantha, who goes through this whole appointment with the best surgeon in like Upper Fifth Avenue or something like that, after that encounter with Harrison and like is still having casual sex with a Calvin Klein model, like what
There's definitely a lot of emphasis on her trying to change her body, her trying to become younger in this episode and kind of like doing anything to get there.
And like I said at the beginning, I definitely do feel for her, especially because research says even that men are looking for a woman that looks younger because younger means less close to menopause.
Menopause is the opposite of fertility, so men are always looking for youth and young looks. And then adversely, women are looking for somebody who can create stability, which usually equates to financial gains and stability in that sense.
So I do feel for her in that way.
But I feel like she also places way too much emphasis on the short-term dopamine hit of, I look good, let this guy make me feel good, getting validation from the younger the guy, the hotter the model, then that's actually what's going to be lifting
her up, and that's actually validating her. But on the other sense, she comes across as very sex positive and very confident throughout Sex and the City.
So there is obviously a part of her that feels good in her body and in her sexuality, but then almost lacking that heartfelt soul. What am I striving for?
Okay, perfect. I love all that advice. And I think then just to wrap it all up, I'd love for you to talk more about 5th House.
I know that when we discuss this, you talk to me about the one-on-one coaching, and then you have like a 5-week course that I think happens 3 times a year. The next one is in July. And also you have one-hour workshops.
So I'd love for you to maybe describe what those 3 things are, what the split is between maybe your female clients and male clients, and what made you get into it.
Yeah, so a little bit about how I work. For anybody who's interested in coming into my world, I work one-on-one with clients. We work for a four-month basis.
I work either with men or with women, and it's anything to do with sex, love, or relationships.
So I have people coming into me from like, I have this kink, how do I integrate it into my sexual life and my dating life, to I'm in a relationship and I don't know if it's the right one for me, what should I do?
And honestly, everything in between, like how to work on my erectile dysfunction, what to do when I'm nervous in the bedroom and I lose my owner and how do I feel like sexually confident? And for women also, how do I date men?
How do I fix my anxious attachments? So it really is a broad spectrum of things that I work with. I do have this five-week course that runs three times a year.
It's called the Pleasure Code. It's for men. For the five weeks, I give you practices, pleasure practices and practices for your partner, or if you're single, for whoever you're dating.
And we really go through what makes you a man, what's your purpose, what's your masculinity, before moving into knowing and understanding the way women's minds work, women's body work, women's sexuality work.
So it's amazing because I feel like a lot of men work with other men, but with me, you're literally getting it from the... I can't remember the saying.
From the horse's mouth. Horse's mouth.
You're getting it from the horse's mouth.
So like a lot of my own experiences, experiences from my girlfriends, experiences through my clients, where women like, this is what women want, and this is how we want to receive it, and this is how we want to feel. So it's really like top level.
It's seriously a cool program. And I'm teaching you like how to pleasure her, how to undress her, how to shower her, what words you should say to her to surrender and to have multiple orgasms. So yeah, it's really cool.
And then I have another thing which actually made me think when we were thinking about this. I have this new program. It's a challenge, a 30-day challenge.
It's called the Approach Challenge.
And it's a challenge where men come in for 30 days, and each day I give you a learning or practice or a challenge where you eventually are able to get the confidence to confidently and respectfully speak to a woman in real life, IRL.
Because so many men see women like pass by and they're like, fuck, she looks so beautiful. I just missed my shot. And then there's so many women being like, when am I going to get hit on?
Like, when am I going to meet my new partner? Like, when is this going to, when is this fateful Disney movie moment going to happen to me? And we're all craving it, both men and women.
So this is a real challenge to get stuck in, to have accountability, to have no more excuses.
And I'm literally taking you step by step, starting with like, talking to strangers, then moving to talking to women, then start talking to women that you actually find attractive, so that you kind of build up the practice and the courage to then be
able to have that when a moment does arise. I also give you tips on like, what signs are the women giving you when you do talk to her, how to get her number, how do you follow up and have a date and create a date so that she doesn't think it's like a
friend. Like, it's a very, very cool challenge and anyone who's any guy who's thinking like, that's a good skill to have. I definitely recommend doing it. We're starting in May.
So yeah.
Awesome. I can't wait because it sounds like you've gamified it. And I think that's very fun.
So thank you very much, Alejandra. I'll post in the show notes, your IG page, cause I love that sometimes you post like really quick but useful tips there. The three links to all the different programs and one-on-one coaching that you mentioned.
And I can't wait to have you on again back soon.
Yes. So fun. I love your show.
Thank you so much, Alejandra.
Speak soon.
