Awful Truths, Small Penises & When to Keep Your Mouth Shut — S2E2 with Justin Duwe, Relationship Therapist

About This Episode

In Season 2 episode two of And Just Like That… We Found Therapy, host Isabel MV sits down with relationship and sex therapist Justin Duwe — author of The Penis Manual — to unpack Sex and the City's "The Awful Truth." They tackle the episode's big question: when should you tell your friend to leave her husband? Plus: is radical honesty in relationships overrated, what the doorknob moment in couples therapy reveals, and why Carrie needs to stop expecting Mr. Big to be someone he has never been.

What We Cover

• Should you tell your friend to leave her husband? The fine line between loving honesty and crossing a line

• Radical honesty vs. healthy mystery: why keeping some things private is actually good for desire

• The doorknob moment in therapy — why the biggest bomb always drops right as someone is leaving

• Samantha and James: how to tell your partner their anatomy isn't working for you (and when and where to do it)

• Does size matter? Justin's clinical take — and what modern medicine actually offers

• Red roses from an ex: are we seriously criticising Mr. Big for sending flowers?

• The "Rumpelstiltskin effect": why naming a problem out loud takes away its power

• Why getting over someone isn't about forgetting — it's about making space

• Susan going back to her husband after one bad date: sad or understandable?

• Why what you don't confront, you perpetuate — in relationships and in bed

About Our Guest

Justin Duwe is a relationship and sex therapist with almost 20 years of experience, working with individuals and couples globally via online sessions based on London time. He specialises in relationships, identity, existential crisis and sexual health, and is the author of two books including The Penis Manual: A Men's Guide to Sexual Health and Understanding the Penis. Find him via Google or reach out through his website — links in the show notes.

Transcript

Hello, everybody, and welcome to another episode of On Just Like That, We Found Therapy. I have with me here today Justin Duwe.

He has almost 20 years' experience, and he specializes in relationships, identity, existential crisis, and he treats individuals and couples, and I have worked with him in the past, and he is the best. Welcome, Justin. How are you?

Thank you for that introduction.

I'm very well, thank you. Thanks for having me.

Of course. Today we're here to discuss season two, episode two of Sex and the City, The Awful Truth.

My favorite episode.

It's a good one. So as per usual, I'll talk a bit about the episode, scene by scene-ish, and I'll prompt some questions to you.

Basically, in this episode, we get introduced to this cashmere sales representative that is friends with Carrie until she married a very mean man, and they go back to Susan's place because it's about to be Carrie's birthday.

Susan gives her a gift and it's a cashmere scarf, and Susan's husband wakes up and he makes a scene. Carrie has to leave running, and then when she gets home, Susan has called her, and Susan asks her, do you think I should leave him, basically?

And Carrie says, well, you know, if things haven't changed, if it's always like this and you're not happy, life's too short, do it.

Fast forward to the girls having brunch and everybody saying like, ugh, you stepped on a pile of crap because you never want to be the friend that says leave your husband because if she leaves him, then, you know, she left him because of you, and if

she doesn't leave him, she'll always know that you wanted her to leave him. Do you agree with that advice from the girls?

Yeah, it's a case by case basis. I think one of the surprising things that clients learn when they're first coming in, the couple's counseling, or even individual therapy, but mainly couple's counseling.

My goal isn't always about keeping people together. People usually come at three different phases of the relationship. We want to improve the relationship.

I don't know if there's anything here to salvage, or we need to end. Often people aren't able to actually articulate, I don't want this anymore.

And they're waiting for somebody on the outside who can see, it's obviously dysfunctional, people are suffering.

And then when a stranger says, you know, I've done everything that we can do, this isn't working, it's not ethical, I think you should break up. Often, there's a, well, one person gets offended, usually the other person usually thanks me.

I understand, but when you're a friend, I agree. Like I have this rule of thumb that if somebody asks me for my opinion, and they're still not married and nobody's safety is at stake, I always keep my opinion to myself.

I don't want to say, no, I think your husband is a dick and you should get divorced. If somebody asks me when they're dating somebody and it's early stages or they're about to make a big decision, what do you think?

Then I'll say, but you can be the therapist that says you should break up or you should separate or you should divorce, but you cannot be the friend that says you should get divorced.

Of course you can. What type of a friend would you be if you saw somebody making a terrible mistake, if they were in a relationship with somebody who was abusive, what, you're just supposed to sit there and say nothing? That's a fitty friend.

No, that's why I said if everybody's safety, like if it's just a matter of a preference, I keep my mouth shut if they're married.

A preference in what, like truth flavor you drink on the beach?

I think you could do better than...

I can say that before they're married, and I'm asked for my opinion, but not once they're married, potentially baby on the way.

Kerry was being asked to pass judgment on the situation, which if you actually think about it, and I work with a lot of men and women in finance, they're tired, they're stressed out, and they need their peace and quiet.

And so I think he was painted in the bad light. If we could get to know his character a little bit more, he probably has the weight of the world on his shoulders.

And a wife who hasn't expended, she bought a $900, this was way back in the 90s, she bought a $900 scarf. What would that be today?

That's not a small purchase. Yeah.

So she's got good taste, it's expensive taste, he earns well, but there's a lot of responsibility that comes with that. So is he just a dick? No, he's not just a dick.

He's a man that has a lot of responsibilities and a lot of stress and a very difficult job and probably could use some understanding and support just like she could also. So unless you know this friend really, really well, probably best to zip it.

But if you've got legitimate concerns, you see something abusive, I've got another new case where a friend found her friend's husband on Field.

What is Field?

It's an app for dating people who are open-minded and looking for a sort of a-

It's not a dating app. It's a sex app.

It's a sex app, but you could use it for dating. You can use a hammer to build a house, you can use a hammer to bludgeon someone with. It's a tool.

How you use it is up to your discretion. But that was one where her friend called her and said, look, there's something a little awkward to tell you, but I found your husband on this app. Don't ask me why I'm there, but I found him there.

Did the wife know?

No.

This is the second time that that happened. That's not an uncommon thing. People think that they're being really sneaky and really clever and they're putting all sorts of public information, the pictures out there on these sex apps or dating apps.

They get caught, they get caught by friends, they get caught by Shannon numbers. And if we're following what the girls are saying in the show, don't say anything.

But then, how are you going to feel when you're over at the house, hanging out, having a drink? It's just awkward. I think it's disrespectful.

I think if you know something and you've got evidence, I think you have a responsibility to actually love that person to say it.

Yeah. But I find really interesting that in this conversation, obviously Samantha says, listen, the most successful relationships I know out there are based on lies and a mutually accepted delusion or something like that.

Because at this stage, she's still in a relationship where she's deeply unsatisfied sexually and she cannot say anything about it.

Obviously, Charlotte gives in her two cents saying, like, I think in an intimate relationship, you owe it to your partner to always say the truth and what's on your mind. What do you think about those two points of view?

Well, there's three kind of topics there, but extreme honesty? No, not a fan of that. I don't think that that helps.

Do I look fat in this? Yeah, you do.

No.

Could it go down well? Ever. Could you find a more tactful way of saying it?

I think you have recently put on some way, maybe this might be more flattering or maybe we can start going to the gym together.

There are ways in which you can talk about things which are delicate, in particular, sexual things like satisfaction and body odors and hygiene and size and orgasm frequency, etc. So she could have said it in, I think, a more tactful way.

But the truth is that we need a private space, I call it a sense of mindness. This is my coffee shop, my group of friends, my secrets, my thoughts that you're not ready to. And if I do share all that with you, I lose a sense of self.

And in order to have a relationship, you have to have two people to go through a process of relating. And if there's an investment where there are no secrets, this is radical honesty, I'm telling you absolutely everything.

And the door on the bathroom is usually open. And that type of a relationship also, what you typically see is a lack of desire, because there's no mystery. In order to have desire, you have to have mystery.

So a degree of privacy, doors being closed, secrets, is necessary. But to the point where you're having, you know, like I said earlier with this other case, when you're cheating on your spouse, no, that's not what I'm saying.

Okay, so no matter how long you're with someone, it's important to try to keep a bit of mystery alive to make sure that desire or that spark doesn't die.

And always close the bathroom door and never go number two in front of your partner. Number one, maybe there's a time and a place, but definitely not number two. Not if you're terribly ill.

Okay, good to know.

No animus in front of partners.

Well, a lot of times you'll see people, you can find them on Instagram, have a look later where it's like hashtag couple goals, so intimate and they're passing each other a lural and having a bag of crisps, having a conversation with somebody who is

going to the bathroom. Then they wonder why they're not having much of a sex life. Well, they're being disgusting in front of each other. You're not supposed to do that.

That's not a goal that couples are supposed to work towards. You need to keep it classy.

Okay. That's good advice. Then I think we get a glimpse into the girl's relationships in this episode where they are trying to see whether or not they should open their mouth or not.

Charlotte has decided that she gives up on all men and she's just gotten a dog, David Henry, and she can talk to him about anything and he is perfect at this stage. Then Samantha will not say to James, I cannot deal with your shortcomings.

Miranda is dating this guy that she met at a Chinese buffet, who is very into dirty talk during sex. As a lawyer, she's like, I do not want sex to be a time to talk. I really appreciate if it's a time to shut up.

What do you think about those three in this scene? What do you think about Shadler giving up on men and getting a dog?

Perhaps not everybody's strict relationship. Perhaps. And that's a reality that some people might need to consider.

If you're tired of being alone and you're tired of being disappointed and you're tired of just being tired, then yeah, maybe getting a pet or trying to find companionship in other forms is not an idea. It's not a failure. It's resolving an issue.

But to expect that that dog is going to give you everything that a human partner would, you're going to be just as disappointed.

Yeah. And she is, eventually.

Well, yeah. Well, yes, that was an inevitability. And I do think one of the sort of common presentations that people really struggle with without realizing that they're struggling with it, is their subjective pursuit of perfectionism.

They never want to feel alone, or disappointed, or upset, or hurt, or isolated, or forgotten, or devalued, and just were having, typically, relationships with other human beings. That's an inevitability.

Are there degrees where that becomes clinically significant or problematic? Of course. But is some of those experiences, albeit very negative, normal?

And even a normal part of a healthy relationship? Absolutely. So if you need to sit out for a period of time, and take a break, and assess what you want, and where you're going, and what your needs are, I think that's totally fine, too.

Okay.

What about Miranda's conundrum with whether or not she should be trying to meet her partner halfway?

I want to think it's a little bit more complicated. There are requests that people make in relationships, in their sex lives, which I think are really challenging for a lot of people. I don't want to put that there.

I don't want to put that here. I wouldn't do it in that way with those people. I wouldn't either wear that.

Who do you think I am? I think it's interesting how people respond to those requests. It's just something about the individual who's making the request, of course.

But then there's also something about us in our own reaction. And both things need to be understood and looked at. I think that a lot of life is about discovering different parts of ourselves that we didn't know that we had.

If we allow ourselves to be open minded, now there are limits to that. I'm not suggesting being reckless, but if the request seems reasonable, where's the harm in trying?

I feel like women are a lot more guarded about asking for things or bringing things into a relationship.

And I was surprised to see that this man felt completely comfortable at bringing this when they're potentially having known each other for less than a week and slept together a handful of times.

I am a bit jealous of how adequate men feel about whatever it is that they want to have in a relationship. And I feel like women is like, oh, will they like it? Will this be okay?

Is this likable? What do you think about that?

You can find exceptions to what you just said in both men and women. And even in this show, Samantha would be the exception to what you're talking about. Certainly, she's unapologetic, but what she wants and definitely goes after it.

So that might be maybe something that some people experience, but not across the board, just based upon the gender or sexuality. I think it's more about our personal experience than our expectations.

In the episode, Miranda allows herself to start to speak and say things that she's not used to saying. And then she discovers this part of herself where she actually is quite comfortable and feels like being rather emboldened or empowered.

And then she says something without realizing that that was a taboo and it kind of breaks the energy of that sexual experience.

So on one hand, you know, what she actually talks about, you know, was sticking her finger in his ass and actually were led to believe that she did that.

And that she's with her girlfriend saying that, oh, you know, I'm this very conservative lawyer, I couldn't possibly do that. But then behind the scenes, she's putting her finger somewhere, which a lot of people would find a little bit edgy, perhaps.

There's a bit of a contradiction, but I think there's a bit of a contradiction within all of us. And if we look into it, I think often we allow ourselves to be surprised.

We discover parts of ourselves that are actually quite enjoyable or fascinating or make us unique, maybe even proud.

Okay. So after this scene, I think we get Carrie with Susan doing the shopping, and Susan seems to be super grateful to Carrie. Like you have no idea.

Hold on.

You forgot about our friend Samantha and the shortcoming.

So what about that?

Even in the way in which you talked about, as opposed to saying small penis, you mentioned shortcoming. What's wrong with saying small penis?

It is what it is. I guess it's all valid if I haven't seen it. I was just trying to be...

Fair point.

But that's also relevant in the episode. The audience, we don't know, is it an issue with girth? Is it an issue with length?

Is it an issue with both? We don't know. And so when they actually go and speak with a couple's counselor and a sex therapist, there's a lot of information which is missing.

And it came up right at the end, and therapists call that the doorknob moment that absolutely exists, that's happened in quite a few of my consultations over the years.

The doorknob moment or the door handle moment, you'll be right at the end of the session, getting ready to log off if it's online or in person, they're walking towards the door.

And they drop a bomb?

And it's, oh, by the way, oh yeah, it's always a bomb. Oh, my mom has cancer. I tried to kill myself last night.

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo on my forehead. You know, it's something. Right at that point.

And that's what you're seeing in the episode. It's really difficult, but they stay at that point because they're literally on their way out. So I'm going to drop this here and you can deal with it and I'll run away.

She obviously had a lot of difficulty trying to say something which, roughly, you would understand is probably going to cause a great deal of upset. But the truth be told, every man has measured his unit.

He knows how big he is in metric and in imperial. So when she said it to him and he got really defences around it, he probably has suspected for a while that he might be smaller than average. That's the reality that a lot of men have.

I write about that in my book, The Penis Manual.

The Penis Manual?

Yes.

I will put that in the show notes. I did not know that this was a title under your belt.

Yes, I have two books.

I know about the other one.

I will both pertain to sex. Yeah, but the second book, I published is called The Penis Manual, A Men's Guide to Sexual Health and Understanding the Penis. I talk about different types of treatments that can be done.

You can increase girth, and there are procedures available in America where you can increase the length. There are risks, and there can be some, you know, very undesirable phytochecs, but there are things that people can do.

There are different types of sex toys that you can use to increase girth and length also. I mentioned where if there's an issue with size, the question, does size matter? I'm going to say yes.

Yeah.

I mean, I guess it also depends. To Samantha, it obviously matters. Like to me, this relationship has been already a season and a half too long.

She is a woman that has a very strong sexual appetite. She's not fulfilled in that aspect of this relationship. And yet, here we are.

But hold on a second.

About her character, she's somebody who we would say hasn't avoided an attachment style. And you just said, you know, she's been in this relationship too long.

It's one of the fewer relationships apart, maybe from Richard, which I don't know what season he appears in, where she actually creates an emotional bond with one of her sexual partners. And unfortunately, there is a roadblock.

And as opposed to working on that issue, which is, I would say, more common than I think most people would like to admit or think, but no relationship is perfect, he could have been encouraged to work on that in the relationship.

And who knows, maybe it would have been her wedding that we would have been watching later, as opposed to her being out there going from relationship to relationship.

Okay. So the next scene, I do think, is where Susan is tremendously grateful to Carrie. They are shopping and she's like, honestly, Carrie, thank you so much.

I can't believe I've been this long with this man. I have to say, I started opening up about everything, so then he started saying all this stuff to me and I'm just so grateful. And Carrie's like, okay, so what are you going to do now?

And she's like, oh, can I stay with you tonight?

So the secondary or like butterfly effect of her opening her mouth about what she thought about her friend's relationship is already taking a direct impact in Carrie's life and she's going to have to host her friend, because obviously she was the one

that said, I think you should break up. Other than that, I think that the girls go to visit. Henry and Charlotte is trying to explain to Susan, like, you know, he's the best and blah, blah, blah. And I think Carrie's voiceover is saying true to form.

Henry was already falling low of expectations. He was like self-involved and selfish and non-consistent and blah, blah, blah. And, you know, I think Susan is just still obsessed with her husband.

They go back to Carrie's apartment. And then we discover that it is Carrie's birthday. She gets awakened by the doorbell and it's a beautiful bouquet of red roses from Mr.

Big. And then we fast forward into The Girls at Brunch and Carrie is like, what does this mean? And I think the card said something super cold, like happy birthday, best wishes, Big.

That's cold.

Best wishes?

Cold would be not getting anything at all.

That's at least not warm.

I think cold means I respect your boundaries. Sending red roses. OK, like I need to unpack this with you.

Red roses do mean love. Like if it's friendship, I think they're supposed to be yellow or white.

It's supposed to be yellow, I believe. But we're also talking about something which I do wonder how many people actually take the time to look at the significance.

If we had a random group of 10 people and asked them what do they think it means, I don't think many people would actually understand that there is a significance to colors of flowers.

But come on, how lazy can you be that you don't know that red roses are lovey-dovey?

It's not always about laziness. Sometimes it's about education, it's not interest, it's about exposure.

Okay, so then here the debate sparks and I think Samantha and Miranda are very much like, fuck him, he hurt you, he set up the picture, roses or not roses, this doesn't mean anything, let's just move on and celebrate your birthday.

And then Charlotte is like, no, this is the big gesture, this is where he tries to get her back and blah, blah, blah.

And I do think Carrie is also like, if this is a grand gesture, like fuck that, like this is not the grand gesture, this is the meh gesture.

And I think Charlotte says like, oh, poor guy, like now we are going to chastise him because he's sending flowers. So do you side with Charlotte here? I do think it's a bit of a, not, you side with Charlotte?

This time, yeah, I normally don't, but yeah, this time I do, because why are we criticizing flowers?

Because, and I'm going to go to the next scene, Carrie's just like, okay, I guess the bad thing about this is if I'm ungrateful and I don't say thank you.

So she gives him a call and she says, hey, thank you about the flowers. And Mr. Big is a bit of a dig.

It's like, well, you know, my assistant had it on her calendar. So then Carrie's like, okay, so then I need to thank your assistant. And he was like, no, I mean, I told her to send the flowers, but she prompted that.

And this conversation is like the usual awkward conversation after you break up with someone, it's been a while that you haven't talked and you don't know where you stand.

Jeff is expecting too much again from a busy man who's successful. That's not unusual at all for Carrie or for men who are very busy and women who are very busy to have their PAs, buy gifts and do things.

To aid the relationship, you can't be in two places at the same time and Carrie gets bent out of shape that he didn't go out at his way to buy flowers and send to her and write something in his own blood.

Again, she's expecting way too much from relationship, which is why she's terribly disappointed and single most of the time.

Okay, I think it was being kind of standoffish, unnecessarily so, like at least own up to it. Like, yes, I sent you flowers, happy birthday. How are you going to celebrate it?

Like he didn't have to say like, well, my assistant did that.

But I didn't make him a dick because he's being honest. You just asked earlier in the episode about where's the place for honesty and is there room for a healthy level of deceit or mystery? And I just said, yes, I do think that there is.

But that comment about, oh, my secretary sent it or my assistant sent it, I can't remember which professional title they have. In and of itself isn't a bad thing.

And again, the question I asked earlier, well, why are we criticizing him for sending flowers? He sent the flowers, he paid for it. And it's still not enough.

It has to be made into a problem. Not everything needs to be a problem.

Then let's celebrate it. I do feel for Carrie because then she feels stuck. And I could have seen myself stuck in the same conversation where I think he asked, it's like, what are you going to get up to on the big day?

And she says, I am, you know, Stanford has booked this place at Leila, this Moroccan place, you should come. And then Mr. Big says, well, I already have plans, but I guess I could move some things around.

I may bring someone. And then Carrie handles it as a champion as she can. And she's just like, OK, well, then you come and you bring that person and I'll see you then.

I wouldn't say a champion.

She's getting, you know, three sticks to the wind. She got absolutely hammered at that.

Well, so then they go to Leila and the girls are there, Stamford's there, Susan's there and Carrie's getting drunk because I think she's so nervous about seeing her ex with his new date, which honestly, if he had really brought a date, I would have

been like, whoa, dude, you really have balls of steel. Like, that's not appropriate.

Well, maybe, maybe he does, but he invited him and their ex is, so he is allowed to move on with his life.

Yeah, but there's kind of like a protocol.

He could have said, oh, sorry, no, no plus ones. No, there's no protocol.

There's manners.

Well, then if you don't want someone to come, don't invite them.

Agreed.

She invited him and he said, I'm going to bring someone. I think she even asked her if she would mind and she said no.

I think she was put between a rock and a hard place. It was very...

Well, she put herself between the rock and the hard place.

I just think that if he's going to be the one who is attached and with less feelings, he could have been the one to say like, okay, let me see and actually don't say like, I'm going to bring... anyway, this is obviously for script purposes.

He could have said like, I'm bringing my friend Jack, you actually met him.

He could have said that, but she also could remember the type of man that he is and not be surprised that he could potentially bring another woman. He's successful, he's tall, he's handsome, he's got great eyebrows.

The probability that he's dating somebody attractive is almost a given. So yeah, I can appreciate it. It's an awkward situation for her.

But again, she got to know the man and still is expecting him to be a different version. Mr. Big has always been Mr.

Bigger and theoretically was up until the very end.

Okay. So then Mr. Big shows up with his friend and Carrie is too drunk to hide the fact that she's very relieved.

And here I have two questions. Because Mr. Big, I think overstays his welcome.

He does say, I can't stay for too long. And then he does stay for a lap dance and many drinks. Did you feel that it was inappropriate of him to stay that long and entertain the belly dancers as much as he did?

Staying that long?

No. He was invited to the party. And it would be rude to say, oh, it would be great if you come, but you're only allowed to say for one drink and then you have to go.

People changed their minds. So he was setting expectations. Look, I've got another commitment, but I'll see if I can drop by.

He did go out of his way. He did show up. He did let her know that he was going to bring somebody, albeit I agree he could have been colored in the details for sure.

And he stayed. He changed his mind. He had a few drinks.

By the bit that I took issue with was about, you know, putting money in the women's clothing. They were dancing. Okay, fine.

So you're tipping. Okay. But I don't know if it's Thursday, that sort of an environment, that would be more of a gentleman's club sort of a thing.

Did you need to do it in front of Carrie? No. But is that very much his character?

Absolutely. Because it's always been about his lack of emotional sensitivity and his unavailability and true character. He sticks with that.

The acting in the show, I think, is actually quite good.

And the Casimir woman earlier, when she was shopping, I think her role is terribly underrated because the way much the actress actually commits to the sort of frantic nervous energy while she's looking at things, and her life is in disarray.

Excuse me. It's an actress who did some really good training, and actually really thought up how would I actually be feeling if I was going to this. I think her role was grossly underrated.

But I think, you know, what's Mr. Big's name? Chris North?

Yes.

Isn't that his real name?

I think he did a great job in, but he commits to his role. And so Mr. Big is Mr.

Big in that episode. He could have been more sensitive, but if he was more sensitive, he wouldn't have been Mr. Big.

I agree.

I have to agree. But then, so Susan, who does do a great job, and I do think she was appreciated for that because she got invited to reappear in And Just Like That, and she looks amazing in And Just Like That.

I have this question for you because I think that, you know, in the first few days after separating from her husband, she is in this euphoria thing where she's super grateful and delusional, and I think she's trying to test the waters by hitting on

Mr. Big's friend, Jack. And he is an absolute...

No, she could have done better.

He's an absolute dick to her. And I think she's...

She's honest, and he was probably also drunk.

He was just like, do you ever just shut up? And because of that, she kind of re-evaluates what she had home.

What do you think of those couples that maybe they're not meant to be, but once they see that it's very cold outside, they go back to the bat they know?

It's not my place to judge. If they leave the relationship for a period of time and are able to negotiate some sort of reconciliation, who are we to judge? We don't know what takes place behind closed doors or what agreements they might have made.

I think it's so sad.

I'd be offended if I were that man, to be like, okay, you only want me because whatever is out there is even worse.

But that's a projection. You don't know that that was that simple. She did say when they were looking at Henry at Charlotte's Place, well, you don't know him like I do.

You know, he's actually a sweet guy. So, yeah, they definitely show him being quite angry and, you know, tired and irritable. But we're also led to believe that there's more to his character than the audience is actually allowed to see.

And the same is true for, you know, couples who are arguing or they stood up very publicly, celebrities, and then they get back together. We don't know what happens behind closed doors. So, in some circumstances, would that be sad?

Yes, absolutely. In other circumstances, like, oh, for example, Rihanna and Chris Brown, were that, you know, was very publicly abusive, very dysfunctional, that was sad. Round and round and round again.

That was ridiculous. But other couples separating and getting back together again, the truth is, we'll never know what actually happens behind closed doors. So I think we should be a little bit more conscious.

Fair enough.

Okay. And then lastly, I think, you know, the birthday party gets to an end, and Carrie's talking about how it's past midnight and it's still just the two of them, Mr. Big and her, walking home.

And Mr. Big asks her if he can give her a lift or give her money, like a cap fair or something. And she says no, he leaves.

And she says that the only thing she couldn't say out loud to him was the fact that she was not over him. What do you think is maybe the gold standard to navigating after you break up with someone and you're not over them?

So maybe we can actually jump start into the last bit of my episodes where I asked you your advice to the girls. What will your advice be to Cary, knowing that she's still not over Mr. Big?

And you know, she's invited him to her birthday party. She spent most of her birthday with him and ended up the night with him.

I live in Brazil and to help to improve my Portuguese, I will walk programs in English, but I'll have it subtitled in Portuguese and re-belong. Usually, I'm focused more on the Portuguese than listening to the English.

And that last part of the show, when I think it's interesting, just the difference in language, it was written, it will know like 15 in the Givoste. I haven't written it in English yet. In English, it's, you know, I haven't gotten over you.

And so when people are trying to get over a relationship, often they are trying to forget. And they think that, oh, somehow I'm going to be able to not recall short-term and long-term memory. And that's somehow ceiling.

If you ever have a situation where you cannot recall short-term or long-term memory, you have a medical issue. It needs to be attended to by a neurologist. You've been legitimized.

There's a blood flow issue to your brain. There's some sort of a tumor or a disease to the brain. All of those five phenomena work and carry your brain's ability to recall memory.

So getting over someone is learning how to recall, to make space and to move forward. It's not about forgetting. We don't really get over somebody.

We move forward and we make space for novelty and new adventures. So what would I say to Carrie? Something rather similar to what I just said to you.

It's about making space and understanding that what you're working towards isn't amnesia. But it's about trying to figure out what you're at with trying to teach you. Because we learn things from relationships.

What was good in that relationship that you can carry forward? And think about what you did not receive in that relationship and maybe what you need to revise in terms of your standards moving forward.

Okay.

It would also be about looking at, because I don't think that there are many episodes in the season where there is a romantic potential that she actually turns down, where she actually thinks about, okay, this guy is sitting on me, what about this,

what about that? And then she just slaps out and rejects them. She usually explores the opportunity. And that's part of what the episode is setting around.

And a lot of people, when there is an opportunity to have a connection, if it doesn't happen very often, often they'll kind of rush into it without thinking about, well, what are my needs? And are they actually at the standard that I need?

The fear that they'll never find somebody causes a lot of people to rush in. And I think the show would have been a little bit more interesting.

She would have reflected a little bit more of her needs and then gone on dates with men that actually met her standards as opposed to just taking whatever opportunity that came her way.

I mean, it made a better column, apparently.

Okay, what would you have told Samantha, who is obviously not able to tell her partner that she's not satisfied, so she gets dragged into Meesee author office for couples therapy, and they have that doorknob moment where she's like, I could not do

this. How, if she was maybe seeing you as a therapist alone, how would you have asked her to navigate that?

Well, I would have asked her exactly what the problem was, if it was length or girth or both, and also it may catch me up every single time when the therapist was, hmm, I hear that or I totally understand that, because it is a related whole issue.

I think a lot of times clients think that they're therapists or other species, or I've never been through the issue itself, or wouldn't actually understand what it's like.

But often when I'm speaking with my clients, I relate very deeply to what they're going through. Sometimes it was just happening before I logged on with them, and so we're all human at the end of the day.

I like that moment of identifying and sharing that issue, where, yeah, of course, it's an issue for you. It's an issue, but how are you going to bring it up? Do you actually want this relationship?

You are not going to be able to find a way to say, your penis is too small and I'm not getting sexual satisfaction that I would like of you, in a way where it's not going to cause a degree of emotional impact in your partner.

Women goals want to know that they're providing pleasure in whatever way should perform for their sexual partners. If you see her, they're not saying, I'm dissatisfied, I feel like there's something missing.

This point of the name, I just going to weigh heavily on that person. I need character in different ways where you can try to be as small as you can be.

But fundamentally, if you are something possibly older or there's something about technique or there's something about physiology which isn't working, you have to say it. I call it the Rumpelstiltschgen effect.

When you're something out by its name, you can take away its power, and then you're in a position where you can actually do something with it. So fundamentally, we don't know what happens after.

I mean, he storms out of the room, maybe they have a telephone call later and talk about, hey, it's not going to work. Let's just call it a day.

That might have been true at that point because a lot of the procedures today weren't available 30 years ago now. So medicine is advanced. There are treatments available today, and I would go through those different options with her.

I was speaking about something rather similar last night with another client I've known for a very long time. In order to make their sexual relationship work, it is about seeing a urologist and having a surgery in order to make it viable.

And it's quite complicated, but these are realities that a lot of couples have to navigate. And so dancing around the issue perpetuates the issue. I teach all my clients what we do not confront, we perpetuate.

And either you want the relationship to work or you're driving in a direction where you're going to be vicious in an own way, and there would be more insecurity within the relationship.

So fundamentally, it's a simple question, but it is probably the hardest question we have to answer in our lifetimes. What do I want? And how do I go about doing that?

Would you have had any tips for her on how to approach it with James?

Well, yeah, you know, timing is really important.

A lot of people will time things very, very poorly. It's not unusual that couples will talk about serious issues during sex. Not the right time.

People talk about it right before bed, getting into bed.

That happens all the time in couples' counseling, and it always kicks off an argument because people are tired at the end of the day, and they need to wake up, and they're trying to plan things, and then partner says something.

Once the lights turn on, oh, yeah, your mother is visiting, and I think she's terrible. Obviously, that's not a good time. Well, that's not the time to talk about it in that moment.

So I think closed spaces, cars, planes, boats, not a good venue for a serious conversation in front of friends and family. No, in public, no. On your way to the bathroom, not a good time to have a conversation with somebody.

So if we put some common sense into when we're going to have a conversation, oops. But then it's also about the language that we use. What I see a lot of are people who are trying to say something and then they think that they heard it correctly.

And they'll make an assumption and they'll walk away. Whereas often if they were to ask further questions around, okay, this is what I heard you say. If you were in my position, how would you understand?

And one of them is around desire. I just don't, I'm not feeling like sex recently. You know, Samantha says that.

I just haven't been feeling it. That could mean all sorts of things. So if you were in my position, Samantha, how would you understand this?

It's not you, it's me. Okay, but what would you do if you were in my position? I know a lot of women would say, but it's here, which is the thing.

Well, there is something wrong with me. The first thing we have to understand, for as long as there are situations in our life, is to make it about ourselves. It's called egocentric thinking.

That's how children think. And there was a point when we were all children. So that's the first thing we have to understand things.

But in adulthood, we need to develop different types of skills. And one of them that we should utilize a little bit more is objectivity. Make it less about us and more about other possibilities.

Because very frequently, when you actually talk to people about difficult circumstances, particularly their sex lives, what you're here, it really isn't about them. It's about, I worry that I'm not doing this properly, I worry that I'm in a mess.

What happens if I steal? Don't just leave it to interpretation. Get more curious and ask questions.

Okay.

And then, lastly, I think we covered Charlotte maybe replacing love with Henry for a moment, and Miranda having to speak out in bed.

Maybe now, what would you tell Susan, who decides to rekindle things with her husband through finding a common enemy, who is Henry, Charlotte's dog?

So, so common love. Well, because the final thing is watching them as Henry on top of them in the cupboard on the couch, and they look quite content, at least from my point of view, when I watch the episode.

It's really surprising how often couples will rehash the same arguments again and again and again when they know better. You know that your partner doesn't like this brand of toilet roll. Why did you buy it?

You know that they need to go to bed because they have to wake up early. Her husband has to wake up early for the London trading floor and the markets. Why are you bringing somebody home drunk, making a noise?

Is it that big of a request? You're walking into this and then people get surprised. Oh, so-and-so got upset and I'm sleeping on the couch.

Well, that's causing an effect.

Yeah.

Hello. So, what would I say to her? Time to grow up.

Either you accept the person that you're in a relationship with, warts and all, same thing about you, vice versa, and both of you start to actually work on the issue or prepare yourself to go through these issues again and again and again because

it's not coincidental that you're going through it again and again and again. What does it mean? Your approach to understanding the issues isn't actually helping. There's a communication issue.

People are withholding information. And your methodology to resolve the issues or to manage them is obviously...

Okay, so I have one last question for you. Why is this your favorite episode?

Oh, it's that line that the therapist says when she talks about understanding.

It's something like, I hear that.

Yeah, no, that is, yeah. It does. I'm laughing right now as you're saying it.

I identify with that therapist on that topic, obviously. Everybody has their preferences, we can say that. But I can just say it was just a very relatable moment.

And those are the moments that I like most about my job when I am speaking with a client and we get into it. And it really feels like a lot of times I'm speaking with a friend as opposed to a patient.

And that doesn't mean that I'm being unethical in that moment. But I get so connected and involved in the work that I kind of sometimes forget about how we actually met. And maybe that's not so important.

Maybe it is more about the connection. But I think in that exchange between Samantha and that therapist, I think they probably would have had a very good therapeutic relationship if they would have worked together. And maybe they did.

Well, thank you very much for your time, Justin.

Anything you want to say about how you work and how people can find you before we let you go?

Sure. I work online. So I work with couples all over the world on a given day.

Work with a lot of couples who actually don't even live in the same country, but everybody logs online at the same time. All of my sessions are based on London time zones, so either BST or GMT.

If you would like to reach out, you can Google my name and find one of my books or send me a WhatsApp message or send me an email through one of my websites. But know that in most circumstances, change is possible.

And so if you are looking for something that actually makes a difference.

Okay, I'll pop your website in the show notes so people can reach out. Thank you so much, Justin. It was a pleasure to see you today.

You're welcome to carry stuff.

Bye.