Ex and the City — Why Closure Is a Lie & You Weren't Rejected, You Were Released — S2E18 Solo Episode

About This Episode

In the Season 2 finale of And Just Like That… We Found Therapy, host Isabel MV goes solo to unpack Sex and the City's "Ex and the City" — and the real reason she started this podcast. It's the episode where Carrie chases closure with Mr. Big, shows up to a lunch where he tells her he's engaged to Natasha, screams in the street, and learns the hard way that closure is usually just code for please want me again. This one is for anyone whose ex moved on before they did.

What This Episode Covers

• Why villainising the new girlfriend is just internalised misogyny dressed up as outrage — and who it's really hurting

• The closure lie: what we say we want vs. what we actually want when we reach out to an ex

• Why performing grace and being "chill" for someone who hurt you can be a form of self-abandonment

• You weren't rejected — you were released: what it means when someone wasn't able to meet you where you were

• Nostalgia vs. reality: are you missing him, or missing the version of yourself you curated for him?

• The highlight reel problem — and why you're comparing your backstage footage to her trailer

• Can you be friends with an ex? Isabel's honest answer, and the three questions to ask yourself before you try

• The 30-40 day rule: how long it takes your brain to rewire its relationship with someone

• Writing the letter you never send — and why it's more powerful than the conversation you're desperate to have

• Five exercises for surviving the moment your ex moves on first

Key Takeaways

• He didn't say not you because you weren't enough. He said not you because he wasn't ready for someone who was.

• I wasn't too much. I was too much for the wrong person.

• If he had to become somebody else to love her, you weren't rejected — you just weren't compatible with his pretending.

Transcript

Hi guys, today's episode is the last episode of season two. I recorded it something like three times, and I was about to not post it.

I decided to post it in the end because, one, I'm so anal that I really care about, you know, following with what I say I'm gonna do, and I said that I would post this episode, and I always post on Tuesdays.

And two, it's a bit different, but I hope somebody would have shoved this down my throat when I was going through what Carrie goes through in this episode.

I also want to take a moment of silence for the show, and Just Like That, because last week we got news that it's getting canceled, and was it bad? Yes. Am I gonna miss it?

A hundred percent. Those women make me feel safe. It's comfort food for me.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. I need to see how the season wraps, and then we'll see. I might post some thoughts on my socials about it.

But other than that, I will leave you to listen to today's episode. It's a bit brief. It's a bit punchy.

It has a lot of my thoughts and tricks on how to get over a break up, especially if your ex is moving on before you are. Know that he sucks, that I love you, and I hope this is useful to you. Alright, I'll see you on the other side.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to another episode of And Just Like That We Found Therapy. I am doing a solo episode today because today's episode means a lot to me. It's a big part of the reason why I started this podcast.

And the episode is season two, episode 18 of Sex and the City, Ex and the City. And if you remember, this is the episode right after Carrie runs into Big with Natasha at the hoedown party in the Hamptons, and they're back in the city.

And I think she's just kind of like getting adjusted to the fact that they're both back in New York and he doesn't belong to her and he belongs to somebody else.

So I did a first recording of this episode where I tried to do my usual method where I go scene by scene and prompt questions to myself to discuss what I thought would be interesting therapy points to break up. But that didn't work, I think.

So I'm gonna do something else. I will summarize a bit the episode and then I'm gonna discuss what I think are the main points that I think are relevant if you're going through anything remotely similar to this.

And then I'll give you some homework and key takeaways. So first off, summary of the episode. As I said, this is right after Carrie finds out that Big is with Natasha.

And this episode's theme is can we be friends with an ex? I can't for my life touch upon all their storylines, but basically Charlotte is trying to get back into horseback riding after a traumatic accident when she was a kid.

Samantha meets a salient in the street who is too well endowed even for her. Miranda runs into Steve for the first time, and she runs away very dramatically.

They end up sleeping together, and Carrie keeps trying to have a happy ending with her story of Mr. Big even when he's with somebody else. So the first subject that I want to touch upon is we need to completely erase that cool ex myth.

I believe that in this episode, there's a lot of antagonizing of the ex, which I think it's normal. But when we villainize the new girlfriend instead of our ex, what that gives us is a vessel for outrage, but also our internalized misogyny.

In that scenario, she's just an obstacle for you to get back with your ex, which I don't think is helping you move on.

So if you find yourself trying to villainize the ex, remember, she's with your ex-boyfriend and if he's consistent at all, she probably has a lot in common with you, and you guys will probably get along.

And at the end of the day, if you find yourself competing with this woman, you're comparing the video material of your backstage scenes with her highlight reels.

Like you're only picking at her qualities that make you feel most insecure, comparing it with your deepest, darkest secrets that only probably you know.

Carrie wants to be chill, polished and graceful, but sometimes performing for the one who hurt you can be a form of self abandonment and even self betrayal. So honestly, don't give a fuck.

Like if you have to grieve this and not be so cool and so graceful, so be it. You don't have to punish yourself for grieving someone. That's how you start healing and there is power in being authentic.

The other theme of the episode that I want to touch upon is closure. Because in this episode, Carrie has us following her chasing her dreamy closure with Mr. Big.

And I think you can see this several times when she first calls him to try and have that lunch.

And then at the end of the episode, when she calls and she's just being a bit awkward, and the minute she called and Natasha picked up, you could see that she was not ready to befriend. She was super nervous.

And then she agreed to have this lunch where she completely dressed up. And I think all the expectations that she had about this lunch, which included her not knowing that Natasha was something serious, was horrendous.

So she shows up to that lunch and it is hard breaking. And I think she sees Mr. Big also be quite nervous.

And she says, you know, the friend version of myself was quite compassionate about the fact that he was so nervous. But the ex-girlfriend version of me was quite smug. But let me tell you, maybe Mr.

Big was so nervous because he knew he was gonna eat shit the minute he told her they were engaged. So be careful what you wish for it.

Like I think every time that you place a bet and gamble to prove a point to someone that you should not care about half as much as you do of your own well-being, this may come and bite you like it does. When Mr.

Big says to Carrie, like Carrie, it's serious, we're engaged. She storms out of the restaurant and it's just so heartbreaking. She says she has a headache, she starts screaming, and she says, don't you dare say her name to me.

Don't you dare be nice to me. You're supposed to have commitment issues.

And I think, you know, we need to talk about the lie that we call closure, because sometimes when we say we want closure, all we want is for them to say that they've made a huge mistake and they regret it and they miss us and they want to have us

back. And closure is just often code for I need you to want me again. In terms of closure, I think always choose yourself.

I think a good way to start making strides for this, if you feel that that man is no longer available to you and it should be over. Over? We're so over, we need another word for over.

Write them a letter. Don't send it. Put pen to paper every time that you feel that you want to say something, reach out.

And just say it to yourself, like put it in a paper. There's something powerful about the letters that we do write and then we never send, but we keep. And don't kid yourself and be honest.

Like, is the closure that you want really closure? Or is it you trying to rewrite the narrative? So in that story, you don't feel unlovable and you don't feel like you weren't chosen.

The other theme of this episode is how to make peace with not being chosen. So he picked someone else. Good.

Now you're free. Just because you weren't chosen doesn't mean that you weren't unforgettable. Repeat after me.

Also, rejection doesn't mean that you're unlovable. He didn't pick you not because you weren't enough, but because he wasn't ready for somebody who was. You weren't rejected.

You were released. The other topic that I think it's interesting when you are trying to let go of somebody that maybe is moving on before you are, and you're still a bit hang on to them is nostalgia. So what do we do when we miss them?

First, ask yourself, do you really miss them, or do you miss the version of yourself that you've curated and you've projected to be your standard? Because there's a lot of good things, but there was probably a reason why you broke up.

And also, if somebody has let you go, I always think what is meant for you won't miss you. So remember, that person is not your person, is not you, is just that he's not for you.

Again, the highlight reel in your head is in the whole film, is the trailer you cut to survive.

So when you find yourself reaching for those nice memories where you had a great time and you guys were like, I don't know, galloping into the sunset together, remember all the times that that relationship made you feel small, he made you feel

stupid, he made you feel like you had to be smaller. Remember, there's always a reason why you broke up and if they are meant for you, they will find it. I don't think anybody here should be trying to convince anybody to have them back.

So my conclusion, can you be friends with an ex? I think it's fair to say no, not if they were a big love. I think Miranda proves it, Carrie proves it in this episode.

I think there's a big thing about muscle memory for me. When it comes to somebody that has been 80% of the time, their role in my life has been a significant other.

The first few times that I see them and I actually try to spend time with them one on one, because I've been there, I've tried, it's very hard for me to break those, kind of like the bridges that my brain has set of like, this is the way that you act

and relate to this person. So I'm very lovey-dovey.

I feel like I'm very touchy-feely and sometimes I've found myself reaching to, like, I don't know, like fix somebody's hair or take care of like some residue that they had in their mouth after, I don't know, having a cappuccino or pasta and the

reaction of like, don't, hurts. And I think I read somewhere that it takes 30 to 40 days for your brain to get the message that this is something new and you need to do it differently those 30 or 40 times in order for your brain to like lay the new

connections of this is the new reality. And let me tell you how little time I have and you should too, to spend 30 or 40 days with your ex where you train your brain to not want to be lovey-dovey.

So if you think you want to be friends with your ex, ask yourself, is it because you miss him so much that you think you almost physically hurt? Is there a part of yourself that still hopes he'll realize he made a mistake?

Do you think you'd crash and burn if you saw him with somebody else or you hurt him with somebody else? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, chances are you're not ready. So to all the Carrie's out there that want to ask their Mr.

Biggs, why wasn't it me? He didn't say not you because you weren't enough. He said not you because he couldn't meet you where you were.

Asking why wasn't it me keeps you stuck trying to rewrite a love story that already ended. Not because you were unlovable, but because he wasn't available in the ways that you wanted him to. Emotionally, spiritually and consistently.

So that to me sums up more or less what I wanted to transmit about this episode. I think this episode is very valuable to anyone that is trying to get over someone and that someone may be moving on before you are.

But I think I can't stress enough how little patience I have for tearing other women down. Don't do it. Allow yourself to be curious about the new girlfriend, but be very respectful of your own boundaries.

If you feel that at some point, stalking the ex stops giving you information and starts making you feel like shit, write down in every single way that it makes you feel like shit, because it probably has nothing to do with her.

It has to do with ones that you had there before. And chances are, she's getting a refined version of the truth that you know, so she'll get there. Now on to what I think could be really good exercises if you're going through this.

I think first of all, you need to acknowledge the betrayal of your fantasy. At the end of the day, you're not just mourning him, you are mourning the fantasy that you build of the future with him.

I think in order to self-soothe to do this, you can name it clearly and say, hey, I'm grieving the version of him I believed in, and the future I thought we had. I think number two is regulate your nervous system before your thoughts.

When you're going through something like this, your body tends to go haywire. So you need to remind yourself to stay in your body.

I always say if you make a random decision, like deleting them, blocking them, whatever, like sit on that decision for one day, two days, three days until you know that it's a well thought decision.

And while you're going through this, go back to the roots, breathe from the belly, very conscious breaths, hold something, call to pull you out of the spiral. Put your hand on your chest and say, this hurts, but I am safe.

I'm still here and I am allowed to feel this. Number three, remind yourself, you didn't get the best version of him, you got the most honest one. So as I said, she'll probably get to that eventually.

Let her have the polished performance, you got the truth. What I think would help to repeat to yourself, what you keep thinking about this is, if he had to become somebody else to love her, then you weren't rejected.

You just weren't compatible with his pretending. Number four, name what you wanted and give it to yourself anyway. I think it's always good to make a list of all the things that you thought he would give you.

Is it love? Is it stability? Is it being chosen?

Is it belonging? Then ask, where in my life can I give myself that now? It's not a perfect substitute, but it kind of builds new neurological pathways or whatever you call that.

And it shifts you from a position of powerlessness to having a bit of power and having a bit of say in what you do. You can do this trick. You can write the sentence, I wanted him to make me feel blank.

And then build practices around creating that for yourself. And finally, don't let this pain become proof you weren't enough. Let it become the reason why you will never settle again.

He didn't give you what you needed, not because you asked for too much, but because he was only ever willing to give too little. So repeat it loud in your head, especially when the comparison thoughts start. I wasn't too much.

I was too much for the wrong person, and that is no longer my problem. I find a lot of reassurance in that. And that's it.

I hope you guys enjoyed this episode.

It's a bit different, but I would love to know if anybody is going through anything like this at the moment, if you guys want to share, and maybe any other tricks that you guys found useful, if you've ever had to go through this and came out the

other way. And as I said, I will take a little break. I will focus on my socials and probably go on other podcasts as a guest and see how I take on season three and onwards.

But I just wanted to take this moment to say thank you to everyone that's listening. It means a lot to me. And don't forget to, as always, share it, rate it five stars, leave comments.

It really helps me and it helps the podcast. And don't forget to check out my socials at We Found Therapy Pod on both Instagram and TikTok. I love y'all.

I'll see you on the next therapy session.