Sex Droughts, Authenticity & Why Carrie Can't Just Be Human — Episode 11 with Erica Lemke, Sex & Relationship Coach
About This Episode
In episode eleven of And Just Like That… We Found Therapy, host Isabel MV sits down with sex and relationship coach Erica Lemke to unpack Sex and the City's "The Drought." They explore the pressure women put on themselves to be perfect in relationships, what a sex drought really means for your connection with yourself, why Charlotte trying to "fix" her boyfriend's erectile issues says more about her than him — and what Carrie's fart spiral reveals about a much deeper fear of being truly known.
What We Cover
The exhausting performance of being perfect: why pretending to be someone else in a relationship is a form of self-betrayal
Sex as a barometer for relationship health — but it's not about frequency, it's about connection and communication
What a dry spell is actually an invitation for: self-pleasure, body awareness and going inward
SSRIs, erectile dysfunction and why Charlotte taking it personally missed the point entirely
Carrie's fear of authenticity: what does it mean when you're more afraid of being seen than of losing someone?
The difference between reacting and responding — and why most of us skip the second one
Samantha trying celibacy: what happens when you abandon who you are to be desired by someone else
"Good enough sex" — why intimacy is messy, imperfect and better for it
How comparison (to friends, social media, movies) creates a false normal around sex and relationships
About Our Guest
Erica Lemke is a sex and relationship coach based in Salt Lake City, Utah, working with clients in person and online. She specialises in women's sexual health from conception through menopause, erectile dysfunction and ejaculation issues in men, and couples navigating desire discrepancies and long-term intimacy. Find her at SexCoachSLC.com or reach her directly at erica@sexcoachslc.com — links in the show notes.
Eleven down! Season 1 is nearly complete — ready for episode 12 whenever you are 🙌
Transcript
Hello, everybody, and welcome to another episode of And Just Like That. We Found Therapy. Today, we're discussing season one, episode 11 of Sex and the City, called The Drought.
And for this episode, I have Erica Lemke, who is based in Utah, has over 15 years experience in relationships and sex. And I'm very happy to have you on for this one. How are you, Erica?
Good morning for me and good afternoon for you.
And that I read when we met or after we met, and I highly recommend it. I think it goes very well also with the subject of this episode.
In this episode, I think the main theme is the different storylines on how the girls need to adjust to their sex around their relationships. So Carrie is going strong with Mr.
Big, Charlotte is dating somebody new who apparently is on Prozac and can't get it up, and Samantha meets this yogi that is celibate. She tries that out, and Miranda, poor thing, she's in a drought and not by her own choosing.
So I'm going to go a bit through the episode, and I'll prompt some questions for you, Erica. I love the beginning of this episode, because I think in this episode, we see Carrie so blissfully happy with Mr. Big.
They seem to have fallen into a very intimate routine where they're like together in bed, reading, eating, being very adorable. And then at one point, Carrie and Mr. Big is the morning after, and Carrie farts.
And she is mortified. And Mr. Big laughs about it, and Carrie can just not look him in the eye.
She needs to get out of there as soon as possible. And Mr. Big is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you going?
Did you not want a coffee? And Carrie is just like, no, I'm late for something. And she gets out of the place, and she's just like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What do you think about this? What do you think about women that pretend not to be human and to be perfect all the time? Because eventually that facade is going to come down.
How would you talk to Carrie about facing this?
Well, all I can say is, I would be exhausted if I were having to try and be someone I was not. And I think that's the thing that we kind of get set up about, right?
Like we have to look a certain way, we have to act a certain way in order to be loved, to be desired.
And I think it's a big facade, because if we are putting on airs for someone else, but not being authentic for ourself, then I think that would be really hard to walk through life, trying to be somebody else.
And so, hey, none of us, and I love, you know, she's talking about how perfect he is and all this way, and so she has to, it's almost like she has to fit the mold in order to be perfect also, but he's not perfect either.
I mean, he's very truthful and honest, and I love that, but she is having to conform by her own standards, right? He's not telling her to do anything differently. She's taking it upon herself to do that.
And I just... I would be exhausted.
I know. I'm really exhausted. He had the perfect reaction, which is like fine, you know?
Like, let's laugh about it.
Oh my gosh. Well, and I think, too, like there's a book called Sexual Intelligence by Marty Klein, and he talks about the concept of good enough sex. And things happen to Bender and Beckel, right?
Sex is not perfect. It is messy. It is, you know, it's messy.
Climbal, yeah.
Exactly.
So when things like that, like farting happens, yes, it is so embarrassing and very uncomfortable.
But instead of being mortified and running away, like having the ability to laugh at ourselves, even in an intimate moment like that can be so empowering, I think, because then you're turning towards each other, right? And guess what?
That happened, but it doesn't mean that that's ruined the relationship.
But I think a lot of people think, oh my gosh, I have to, you know, what do you think about women who just they want to be perfect in bed, and they have makeup on, and like, you know, everything is they have to smell just right. But it's not real.
That's not what reality is.
No, and it's exhausting. Oh my gosh, it was.
I've always thought that, you know, whenever I feel like I've tried to put on a specific version of myself, because I thought that's the one that was going to be loved or chosen, because, you know, there was nothing to complain about it.
So, very much like Carrie pretend to be perfect, and then things don't work out, you feel like, damn, like, you haven't even rejected me. You have rejected another version of myself.
So, God forbid, if you even got to know who I really was.
Yeah, right.
Or who I am.
Which doesn't make it saying any less, but, you know. But then, I love the kind of succession to this. Carrie decides that she's going to put it behind her.
She makes it her business to overcome this huge obstacle. So she faces her fears and goes back to Mr. Big's place.
And I can see that she's pretending to be a very refined version of herself. She's talking about this exhibit and the Renoirs and I don't know what. And Mr.
Big plays a practical joke on her, but placing a fart pillow on...
What we call a whoopee cushion. Yeah.
Yeah. That makes more sense. I think I translated it.
Verbatim. But then I think, you know, they laugh about it, but Carrie is still very much in her head. And like, to be honest with you, I am liking Mr.
Big a lot in this episode because, right, he was like, what a great way to like, hey, let's address it. Let's laugh about it. Let's move on.
And he's so honest about it, right?
And he's real. He's real.
He doesn't care.
Yeah, because it's just part of being human. It's part of life, right?
Yeah. Yeah. So then Carrie puts on this sexy little dress, gets in bed, and Mr.
Big is like, I am not in the mood. I'm tired. Do you mind if we skip it?
And boom, the paranoia begins. The next scene is Carrie and Miranda at the nail salon, and Miranda is trying to talk about herself. She says like, oh my God, it's been three months.
I can't take it anymore. She's talking about how long she's been without sex. And she keeps saying like, listen, one month was interesting, two months, whatever, three months, like, I've had it.
I'm over with that, yeah.
Yeah.
I remember this being a big thing ages ago. People get very fixated about how long it's been. What do you think about that?
Do you think it matters? Do you think something happens to us, to our libido, to our, I don't know, our relationship with our body when too much time passes by? And my other question is, what do you think about people fixating on how long it's been?
Well, and I think it's different in context whether you're single or not, right?
So she's, right now, she's single, right? So she's, and she's just in that dry spell. She just can't meet anybody at that moment, right?
I think in some ways, I think it's kind of an, I mean, it sounds weird, but, you know, she talked about her getting herself getting carpal tunnel, probably, because as much as she's taking care of her own needs, right?
But I also think there's something to be empowering about that, about, okay, I don't have a partner right now. But instead of feeling desperate because I don't have a partner, why don't I just work on pleasing myself?
And I think we don't, so it's almost like, for me, it's like a mindset shift, like taking the time to like really work on our own self pleasure.
And I think the more we can do that, whether we're in a relationship or not, I mean, if we know our bodies so intimately and so well, that when we are, when we do get that, when we do get out of that dry spell and we find that person, that there's so
much more accessible that we have about our own bodies that we can express to others. And I don't think we do that. I don't think we do that very well.
So I think from that, I'm getting that probably instead of being less in tune with our bodies, if you go through a dry spell, you're saying that it can be an opportunity for you to become more attuned to yourself.
Yeah, to your own sensuality, to your own eroticism, right? Like, I mean, this sounds really courty, but like making love to ourselves and like incorporating all of the sensual elements of life, I think, can be so beautiful.
But I think most people aren't focused on that. They're focused on the, I need a man, I need a body, I need someone to be in context with me. But I don't think we realize that, you know, we have access to a lot of things solo.
And why not have some pleasure and work on that in the meantime when maybe there's no one around to help you out with that.
And what do you think about people reading too much into how long it's been?
I would say, you know, we have a concept of like, I get in my practice, even yesterday, I had several couples and they both want to know, are we normal?
Which I think it, they ask this a lot in the episode. How often is normal? Is this normal?
Exactly.
Well, and comparison is a thief of joy, right? So if we're comparing ourselves to anybody out there, whether we're single or whether we're a couple, we're going to find fault in what we're doing. I just think so.
So if we're listening to our neighbors or to our best friends or to our sister and, oh my gosh, we have sex three times a week. And they might be thinking, that's low. And the other couple is like, oh, that's high.
We have three times a year, you know? So it's definitely all in context, but I would say whatever is like, you have to create your own normal. You have to create what makes sense for you.
And I think if we can not look at external and what everyone in the social media plays a big part of that in movies, right?
So of course, we're feeling like failures because that's all showing, you know, that's showing what really doesn't exist, I think, often in real life. Yeah.
So then we're comparing ourselves to something that doesn't even really truly exist, at least consistently.
What do you think about Samantha's take on how often is normal? Which I love, I love a good one-liner that is full of shit, but like, it's halfway between what you want and what you can get.
I do think there's some truth to that, quite honestly. I mean, I love that statement. I thought it was like, oh, that's pretty damn clever, actually.
That is one of the few things that Samantha says in the episode that I'm like, cool.
Yes, exactly.
It sounds healthy.
There's compromise.
Yeah. All right. But I would say too, in the work that I do with couples, I tell them, you have to co-create your own experience.
You guys get to decide what that looks like for you. Yeah. Nobody else, but what does that look like for you?
It's about having conversations around that. It's about talking about what that actually means. So many people don't even want to talk about it.
Let alone, I mean, they're doing it. Especially, oh, God. Well, God forbid.
I mean, then, you know, well, we'll talk about what happens later with, you know. But just the fact that she can't hold on to her own sense of self and whatever that is, in his eyes, seeing her for who she is is so frightening for her.
So there's a part of this conversation at the nail salon that I find heartbreaking because I think Carrie is being very honest, but she says, she's telling Miranda the story and she's like, well, I farted in front of him and that's it.
And Miranda is like, you're human. And Carrie is so offended by that. She's like, I don't want him to know that.
And I think she says, like, you know what's happening? Because then immediately she steals the spotlight from Miranda to herself. And she's like, we haven't done it three times.
And because I'm one of the boys, he thinks of me as another one of the guys. And like, now there's no like he doesn't want me.
But those are all assumptions she's making. He's not said a damn thing about any of that. She's inferring all of that.
She has no idea what he's thinking. But she's inferring that, right?
Yeah. But what would you tell us to someone? Because I grew up in a culture, the Spanish culture is very macho, sexual.
And there was always, I grew up with two portrayals, like men will lose their head over sex. And women are not that fussed about it. But whenever a woman puts sex on the table, men will do anything to get it.
So if I have that mindset drilled into my brain, and I'm Carrie, I'm like, there's something up. Do you think that there's any truth to her concern?
Well, it is her truth, because that's what she's made it, right? So if she wants to delve into figuring out, like, is this true for myself? Like, because I think about her insecurity, she's so, so grossly insecure.
And so how do you tackle that? It's like unraveling that and going back to her sense of self, and almost taking that apart and looking at her as an individual aside from, you know, put Mr. Big over here for a minute.
But what does she need to do for herself to feel a sense of comfort and security with herself?
So I feel like there's some deep work that Carrie could be doing on herself to really be able to just empower herself to be confident in who she is in her own skin, false at all. But that's a process. That ain't going to happen overnight for sure.
But it's talking through that because I imagine even to say, you must be exhausted having to almost live a double life.
Yeah.
Right.
And she talks about it. So then the Paranoia Parade continues and then Carrie goes to yoga with Sam just to talk about this. And this scene is very, very funny.
It's the one where Sam says what normal is. And then, but then she starts dishing very bad advice, which is like, oh, honey, that is definitely not good. How dare you fart?
Like men don't like the women to be human. We don't use tampons. We don't grow hair.
We don't use the bathroom. And she says that sex is the barometer to how healthy a relationship is. So what do you think about all that that Sam said?
Well, I'm going to say, so the first part of it, I honestly think it's quite insulting.
Yeah. To say that, like, and insulting not to us, but to men as well. Like, is that how you portray men?
That that's what they want out of a woman.
Very interesting. Yeah, I never thought about that. Yeah.
Because that's what actually what I was, because I watched it with my boyfriend last night, and he stopped it and said, I am so insulted.
I'm like, let's talk about that. What does that mean? Go to one then, right?
So, and I love that because it's like, oh, I didn't really think about that, but I guess it's true. Like, we're making assumptions about how they see us.
Yeah.
And but we're only showing the one side of us, right?
Yeah.
It's almost like the Barbie, the step, you know, the Stepford wife type of a situation, right? Where, you know, we can't have the emotions, we can't have the anything else that might jeopardize this façade that we've put up, right? Yeah.
As far as the barometer and sex with relationships, you know, so I don't know if you've heard of Emily Nagoski. She's an amazing scientist and wrote a lot about sex. And she talks about how do we prioritize sex in a relationship?
And I think if we're in a relationship, we're not in it to be roommates. Yeah. Right?
I mean, for the most part, I think that's true if you're in a romantic relationship. So how do you want to prioritize sex between the two of you? So I think in a way that there is a barometer reading about sex.
But again, it goes back to what is that creating for the two of you? Not what's happening in like, you know, comparing that to outside others and all of that. But what's the barometer for your relationship?
And how do you want that to look? So I do think that there's some truth in that.
So I think then how, like that barometer, to me, would be more about how good is our communication and then we apply...
It's not the frequency of sex, though, I would say.
No, yeah.
As you're saying. It's the quality. And it's also the intimacy.
It's the emotional connection. It's the communication. I think that is the foundation for what a good relationship is.
And that's a great building block to having a good sexual relationship, I think.
Yeah. I love that. And then I think that Carrie goes on yet another visit.
And I love that she even edits herself with Charlotte. Well, I love. I found it baffling because she's trying to bring herself to tell Charlotte the reason why she thinks they're not having enough sex.
And she's just like venting to her friend, but she cannot even tell Charlotte that is because she farted. So I think what I see of Carrie in this whole episode is how inadequate she feels 90% of the time.
And then we get introduced to Charlotte's new boyfriend, who apparently is Carrie's old boyfriend. And Carrie says, listen, we dated ages ago, so Charlotte is comfortable with that. And she was like, okay, but why?
Why did you break up? I need to know. And she's trying to tiptoe around and she's like, Carrie, no, go ahead and tell me.
It's like, he's a six, like a sex maniac. Sex maniac, yeah. So I'm very curious about this because then I think Charlotte, she's so gullible.
I love her so much. She's like, oh, now I'm even more into him because he's been so patient about me. So that makes me...
He respects me so much, right?
He respects me. He cares about me so much, right?
Yeah.
And that's so much what she's about though too, right? It's she wants to, I mean, she wants to get married, right? That's the big thing that she wants.
She wants to find true love and she wants to have that experience with someone, right? Yeah.
But I also think with that experience and him not being able to get an erection and he's okay with that, it's almost like she's determined, okay, I want to prove to him that I can do this for him.
Yeah.
Make it happen, right?
And that I am special enough.
Yes. And if he really loved me and really cared about me, he would do this for me.
But I have a very basic question. Is it true that if you're on Prozac, that can be such a big side effect?
I mean, I think that they're stretching that a little bit.
For the purpose of the story line. Yeah.
But I would say, SSRIs can definitely hinder erections and lower libido for men and women across the... Yeah. And I know there are other, there are a lot of other medications that can have that effect.
And again, though, it was interesting to see how, I mean, it was just kind of funny to me, like he was so okay with it. Like he was so okay with it. I think our...
Because he's so numb.
He's so numb to it, right?
Yeah. So that's the other thing too. I mean, they're definitely going a little overboard there.
But I think on the whole, like, and I work with a lot of men. And I can tell you, men on the whole, they're not okay with not having an erection. They're not okay with this not, you know, being kind of, you know, less than desirable, I suppose.
Interesting.
I think the next scene is Carrie being at home, and she's just chilling, and then she looks over to her front door, front neighbors, and she sees basically a porno movie.
And I love that she gets over her insecurities, and she said, You know what, I'm going to make it happen. I'm going to call him, I'm going to come over, and we're going to stop this nonsense. So she dresses up and goes to see Mr....
She asks him if it's okay for her to come over, but that's it. She doesn't set expectations. So he's like, Sure, of course.
Because I think he thinks that they're in that part of the relationship where they can be just...
They're just going to hang out, right? They're just going to hang out. Yeah.
And Carrie gets dressed with a skirt that hugs her on the hips.
I don't know what. She comes in, Mr. Vick kind of like clocks that in that she's made an effort to look nice.
But then he goes back to his pay-per-view fight. And then Carrie is just like, she has an agenda and there's nothing that will make her change her agenda.
To me, this is still more of the same theme that you didn't set expectations, you're not taking into consideration what your partner wants. What do you think of this scene? Because I felt like they could have met halfway.
Like Mr. Vick was also kind of like, you know, moving her head. Like it was very awkward to watch.
It was awkward to watch.
But I mean, I'm also thinking, like, you know, he didn't have, like you said, setting expectations. He didn't have any knowledge that she was coming over for a booty call. None, right?
And yes, she could look hot and sexy and whatever, but he was in the mode. He was watching the fight, right? And that was, in that moment, that's where he was.
His attention wasn't, you know, desire for her or any of that. And the focus was on this game, or the fight.
So I appreciated, though, even though it was uncomfortable to watch, that it's okay to not be able to be receptive in that moment when you're kind of getting ambushed when it comes to consent. Because think about it on the other side.
I was thinking, if somebody came... Yeah, if the roles were reversed, and then we have to talk about consent and all of these other things, right? And so, and why isn't that being addressed here?
Well, because, of course, you know... Great point... .
consent, right?
99% of the time, I think, no. But the only iteration of the other side of the story was, if I were watching The Real Housewives of something, and I could not pause it, I'd be like, shut the fuck up. I'm like, sit down.
I don't know what happened. What are they fighting about now? So...
Yeah, right.
But you're right.
You're absolutely right about consent too.
Well, and then her expectation, and then again, that she felt rejected again, right? And here I am, putting myself out here, and he's rejecting me again. Like it's over, right?
Right? And I think she said it's over. Again, that goes back to her, like, just gross insecurity, not reading the room, girl, like not having fun at all.
And you know, she just gets herself again into tizzy for really no reason, because I think that she just overstepped her boundaries. And it was, it's about boundaries also.
Yeah.
And I think she steps over them frequently.
Yeah. My question about this was, because she leaves and she says, I waited the mandatory 10 seconds, he's coming after me. And then by the time he got home, he didn't call her, or there would be a message in my machine.
And it was apology, right?
She wanted him to apologize to her.
Yeah. Why?
Why the fuck would he need to apologize to her?
I think because that's what we've been raised, and we have been echoing this image of, if a man wants you, he'll make it happen.
If a man knows he's done wrong and he really likes you, it's always on their responsibility basket to fix it and chase and do it.
But I don't think he didn't do anything wrong. No.
If anything, he's very mature, this whole episode.
Very mature, very honest, very straightforward. I mean, he's not playing the games.
No.
He's not playing the games and I think she is. But she doesn't know it.
What would you tell somebody maybe that has like the way they think a relationship is supposed to go and the way they think that a man should want them? Adjusting those expectations without feeling rejected.
Is there any piece of advice that you think might be handy?
Well, I think too, is like you have to look at yourself. And I mean, think about the self-judgment and self-criticism that's already there, that's already part of the package. How do we try and remove that to them?
Because then we're thinking externally, like others are judging us, others are criticizing us. But that's our own head, we're conjuring that up for ourselves.
So in my mind, I would think I'd be very honest with my client and say, is this really true? Let's talk about the truth of this and give me examples of where you think that this is actually true.
And really go down the line of like, I think that how we see the world is not exactly how the world is, but this is our own truth and our own experience, right?
But there are other ways of being, and it's not necessarily our way or the highway, right? It's getting new language and getting new information about what's possible.
And I think there's a saying or somebody said that we are our own words narrators of our own experience. And we can see that, by the way.
Without a doubt.
Yeah. Okay. So then this goes into a part of the episode that makes me very happy, because you see the girls bonding and they're all hanging out at Carrie's.
And I love to also watch this show for their friendship.
Yeah.
So at the beginning, I think Miranda walks in and she's like, three months and five days and something like that. And Carrie just goes back to herself and she's like, well, still hasn't called, it's been two days, it's over, it's over.
And what do you think about, like I sometimes do that too, that I'm like, something goes a bit wrong at the beginning. I'm like, it's over. I messed it up, the stakes were high, I took a bed, I lost, it's over.
I think a lot of it is just our own emotions, right?
Like we're in that emotional state, we're not thinking clearly. So when we're highly emotional, right, I think that we need to just kind of step back, step away from ourselves and take a breath, take a few breaths.
And yeah, take a few days, even if we need to, to come back to it and reassess.
Because I think, you know, we're in the moment, we're emotional, there are things that we think about that it just kind of comes out of, you know, it's a reaction, not a response. Yeah, you know, so when we're reacting, it's just immediate, right?
And we're not thinking about it. But if we were, if we're responding to something, we're actually taking the time to really think about it, think about what we're saying and thinking and feeling.
And then I think that's a different conversation, right? So I think it's just, it's just showing, showing up and saying, okay, let's, let's take a look at this.
Would you say then it's worth maybe sitting with those feelings and chasing the bottom line rather than reaching out for reassurance? Because maybe it was a misunderstanding.
Definitely. I think we can, we, I think we're really good at doing that reaction, having a reactionary response. And the only way we're going to get better is to really, like you said, to sit with it and understand, oh, I was overreacting.
Like this is like now in hindsight, like actually that was really stupid of me. Like I should have taken some more time to really process my feelings before I took action.
Okay. I love the relationship that Carrie and Miranda has, because as harsh as Miranda can be, I think Carrie is the most honest with her, and they're having this conversation. And Miranda is just like, why are you being so hard on yourself?
Why is it so hard for you to admit that you're human and he likes you for who you are? And then Carrie says this thing. She's like, you don't understand.
He's perfect with his perfect apartment and his perfect bath robes. And I feel like I'm together Carrie. I'm not Carrie Carrie.
And Miranda says, well, why don't you let him see this Carrie? She's pretty great. And Carrie is so scared that he won't like that, that she'd rather keep on pretending to be somebody else just so that she won't lose him.
How often do you think that people do that? How unhealthy is it? And what would you say to somebody that's maybe in that position?
I think people do it all the time.
And it's sad, quite honestly. And I see it frequently. And I think it's really sad because people just really, they don't trust themselves.
They don't trust their own innate, whoever they are. And I think my work with them would be, let's take a look at that piece of it. And let's talk about what needs to be a place in order for you to start trusting yourself.
Because I think that's where so much of our insecurities lie, is like, we're so afraid that someone's going to reject us or not love us to begin with. And so we start to conform to this idealistic version that doesn't exist.
Yeah.
We can wear that for a little bit of time, but the mask will eventually come off. And if we're not secure with what's underneath that, then we're not even good for, not even for anyone else, but how are we good for ourselves?
Because we're not being authentic in who we truly are.
I think that's great advice, but very hard to follow, I think.
Absolutely. Oh, it totally is. And that's, but I think that's also like, that's work that if we can really acknowledge that for ourselves and do that self-exploration and that reflection.
I mean, yeah, there's stuff that I don't like to see, that who I am, right? But it's also a part of me. It's like I'm a whole being.
I'm not just this shiny, I'm not the shiny side right here. I'm also the shadow. And so how can I work with all the pieces of me to really come to understand that I am a whole person?
And there are pieces of me that maybe I don't necessarily like, but it also makes me who I am. And how can I accept the entirety of me instead of just putting on this little part right now?
So you think, because sometimes there's something to be said about you not having to show up as your whole self at the beginning of dating, and you can try to keep the magic alive by being mysterious or this or that.
But do you think that maybe it's worth saying that the sooner you're 100% yourself, the sooner you'll weed out any not good candidates, and also you'll probably be happier and less tired about having to put on a show?
Well, and I think it's also kind of manipulation, quite frankly, or it can be, right?
Very true. Very true.
But I would say, I mean, we don't, I mean, I want to show up as my full self.
And I think, you know, I would rather people see me as I am now, or if I'm going to hide this one really big part of myself, but I'm going to wait six months or a year to get to know this person, and then let them know or let them find out.
Why not just put it all on the table? I mean, and by saying that too, I'm not like, oh, like, I just, I'm going to put it all out there.
But just to be who you are, and with all your flaws and all the beauty and all the imperfections that we have, that actually, I think, makes us more perfect beans when we can sit in our imperfection. It really...
100%. Yeah. Okay, and then I think we get to the end of the episode, the rest of the girls come over, they're all watching Mr.
and Mrs. Get It On. I need one of them take with them whatever they have from the, from seeing those two go at it for hours.
So I think Miranda goes to return or get another documentary to distract herself from the fact that she's having a drought and she confronts this cat caller that is a worker and she's like, Oh yeah, you find me pretty, I want to get laid.
And she's so aggressive about it. Then I think Charlotte is basically getting blisters all over this poor man's penis because he cannot make it happen. He's just like, Nope, it's not going to happen.
So Charlotte breaks it off and he's like, Cool, bye. Samantha is in yoga after having tried being celibate for tantric sexual purposes, whatever that was. She's just in that class being like, Hey, want to fuck to whoever will take her.
And then Carrie is, she's at home and she says, Saturday dinner or Saturday night dinner came and went with no call from Mr. Big, but my cabinets were looking fabulous. And the doorbell rings and she opens the door and it's Mr.
Big. And they have this discussion and Mr. Big is like, Oh, you finally, I finally get to see where you live.
Like you have never shown me before. And I think they're talking about the flat or the apartment.
But it's, but it's her. Carrie.
And Mr. Big says, I love it. It's very you.
And Carrie keeps putting it down. And she's like, no, it's a mess. I need to do this.
I need to do that. I need to fix this. I need to fix that.
And Mr. Big is like, no, I like it. And then he asks her, what was that about?
And she kind of like doesn't really talk about it. And then they see Mr. and Mrs.
get it on, and they get it on again. So Carrie gets to live another day. What do you think about this last scene?
Again, we need to scold Carrie for poor communication, I guess.
Always poor communication and making inferences and assumptions about everything, right? And I think that's how we get ourselves stuck in that anxiety and that imperfection is we make assumptions about what other people are thinking, right?
From the get-go, she thought she knew his thoughts, right? She didn't know what the hell he's thinking, right?
No, I guess she didn't ask.
And didn't ask. And then, but I almost don't know if it would have even mattered, because she already had it stuck in her head of what was what.
I agree.
But the acceptance that he showed for her, maybe there was a little bit of like, okay, maybe I can work with this. Maybe I can start to believe that this is true, that I can trust this.
And have him, fine, he's responsible enough, and he's shown me that he cares enough about me, that he can have my feelings and try not to hurt me.
Yeah, but you know, she's a trainwreck, though, let's be honest.
So this is a perfect segue for the last bit of this episode. It's your advice to each one of the girls. Oh, okay.
So, being Carrie, if Carrie comes to your practice and you know, she's like fixating incessantly about the farth and what that means and three times that, you know, had never happened before, what would you tell somebody that is like so fixated in
Well, I, you know, I would go back to just the fear of authenticity and the fear of trusting herself.
Where does that, because that came from somewhere, right? So I mean, that's a deep-rooted issue that I think has been something that's been a script that she's played since she was a young person.
So I really want to go back with that and delve a little bit more deeply into why she doesn't feel that she trusts herself.
Why can't she be authentic in showing up as her full, true self, whatever that might be, and really kind of pick it apart and see where she can finally start to realize that, oh, where are there places where you show up for yourself in your entirety
and you are accepted and you are loved? So I would want to go deep in that with her because I think there's a lot of work that would need to be done for her to overcome them.
And what would you say is a good rule of thumb between somebody asking out loud to their partner questions and somebody that has such an anxious attachment style that needs to constantly check, like reassure me, we're okay, we're okay.
What would you say is like a good balance between those two?
I would say to really just trust yourself and speak your truth and know that you can express yourself no matter what the person is going to do, how they're going to respond.
But if you come from a place of your own truth, I don't think anything is wrong with that.
Even if they may respond maybe not as well as you expected or even negatively, I think we need to stand on our own truth no matter what the consequences are at times.
Yeah. Okay. Then what about Charlotte, somebody that is dating somebody who cannot get an erection and her take it personally and navigating that, what would you tell maybe a client that is facing that?
Well, I think, you know, a lot of it is it was how she was showing, like she felt that it was her responsibility to almost fix him or change him, or he would do it for her because he loved her and he cared about her.
But if she were just to be who she was, she was like, yeah, this isn't working for me.
Yeah.
Just to say, sorry, this isn't working for me. It hit the streets, right? I mean, even just the last episode of her jacking him off, right?
And being so like, this is going to happen, like turning him, like trying to fix him. I think she likes to try and fix people to fit her own needs.
Yeah.
And so I would work on that and say, honey, you can't fix anybody. You got to work on yourself.
Yeah. I agree. Okay.
Then what about Samantha? What would you say to somebody who's so sexually active, trying this tantric celibacy?
Be yourself, girl. Like, that is not who you are.
Own it.
That is, you love sex. Why, again, why try and, again, she's trying to conform to someone else to be liked, to be desired. And she's not, this is not her nature.
It's not her nature. So why just say, you know what, this, yeah, I really want to be with this person, but it's not in alignment with what I value or who I am.
Maybe I just need to walk away and find someone who is within that, my own, you know, my own boundaries.
And do you think what Siddhartha, I think that was his name, said about, you know, for me, I used to have sex all the time with so many different women that like, this is what I'm choosing now.
Do you think that there's something to be said about maybe having sex with many different people removes from the connection and the intimacy that it's supposed to bring?
I think that's, I'm not going to say 100 percent because that does work for some people, but I think for the majority of people, yes. I think that's a way to almost avoid intimacy and real true connection.
Okay. And what would you tell Miranda if she came to you desperate because she cannot, like she's given herself Carport Tunnel Syndrome, it's been three months and five days and she almost took her cat collar in the street.
How would you go about that?
You know, I would tell her work on your own pleasure because then when someone does come in your life, they're going to be so incredibly happy that she has taken the time to really explore her body and really explore her own sensuality and her
pleasure. And yeah, I mean, we all can have dry spells, but why don't we use that as an opportunity to go inward and learn more about ourself?
I agree. Okay, perfect. Great advice all around.
Well, Erica, thank you so much for doing this with me today. It's been a lot of fun. I would love for you to tell our listeners maybe how to find you, how you work, and what areas you specialize in, if you work with men and women, all of that.
Well, thank you.
And again, this has been so much fun. I enjoyed watching it. It's been years and years since I've watched that.
So going back to it, I was just giddy. So it is really an opportunity. Yeah, it really is.
Well, I'm based in Salt Lake City. I have a private practice, so I do see people in person, but the majority of my work is online.
So I work for a women's healthcare company, so I work a lot with women from postpartum or pre, I should say, trying to conceive all the way through menopause.
And I also work with men, and probably the biggest issues I work with men are on erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation.
And I work with couples too, so desire differences and discrepancies in libido, and really just how to also just maximize their, if they're in a long-term relationships, how can we keep that going, keep it spicy?
And not only that, but just deepening intimacy and connection with people. So people can reach me. Probably the best thing is I have a website, which is SexCoachSLC, as in saltlakecity.com.
But then also people can reach out to me and ask anything on erica, E-R-I-C-A, at sexcoachslc.com.
I'll put all that in the show notes so that people can reach out if they want to. Erica, thank you so much. This has been so much fun, and I hope to have you on again soon.
I love it.
Well, thank you so much, Isabel. This is such a pleasure, and have yourself a lovely weekend.
And you too. Thank you so much. Thank you.
